A secret society of the eight wealthiest mascots in the Northeast convenes at an estate in
They control the Northeastern bank money supplies,
They are known as The Octonion. Their previous meetings can be seen here and here.
Okay, okay, if everyone could settle down, let’s get started.
Um, shouldn't we wait for Cardinal to get here?
Are we really doing this formality thing? I mean-
Chapter 7, section C of the bylaws clearly states-
Chapter Fuck, section You of my bylaws states you sit down and lets get started.
Bull, I really think we should wait.
Husky, where’s the beer?
I thought it was your turn to bring the beer, where is it?
Oh, I wasn’t in the mood for beer, but I did bring some mojito mix. I am DY-ING to go to
I’m not drinking no queer-ito. I want some beer.
Good sir, try some of my hearty ale.
Is it good?
What does that mean though?
Webster’s defines hearty as abundant, rich, or flavorful enough to satisfy the appetite.
Aye. What he said.
The Louisville Cardinal arrives.
Sorry I’m late, guys.
It’s alright, we know you’re not a lot of things you used to be.
Hey! C’mon now, low blow.
Let’s get this show on the road, I’m taping an interview with Stephen A. Smith in 45 minutes.
That’s great, what’s he talking about?
Thank you, I’ll be here all week. Be sure to tip Otto on your way out.
Okay, let’s get started. I called today’s meeting because I want to clear the air about an email I received recently. Quoting, "Hey Cardinal. You are gay. You shouldn’t be president of the Big East no mo. Cause you suck. And you’re gay."
Who would send such a hateful email?
It was sent anonymously but I have reason to believe it came from someone in this room.
Well you know it wasn’t me, sweetie. If I knew you were gay, I’d-
Husky! Not now.
Terrible diction aside, maybe he’s got a point.
What point is that?
That we need new leadership. Clearly, you’re unfit for the job this year.
Doesn’t matter. I’ve earned the right to stand here until a new champion is crowned.
Look what’s happened since you’ve become President. You almost lost to
What are you saying?
I am issuing a vote of no confidence in you, my lord.
I’d like to see one of you try to do this job.
I’m ready to take the job back. Did a pretty good job last year.
Please. Did you want to sew that Gator Bowl patch on your sleeve now or do we still have to go through the motions?
If you choose me king, I shall fight for you with honor and glory. I shall vanquish any enemy, destroy any ogre and smite any dragon even if it comes from the pits of hell.
C'mon now, I hear Birmingham's lovely in the fall.
I will do anything for you.
Does that include playing a non-conference game on the road?
Anything except that…
I’d like to throw my name in the hat.
Are you kidding me? The guy with the program that didn’t exist fifteen years ago? Well you can’t.
The "Must have existed for fifteen years rule."
Give me a break.
Believe it or not, he’s right. We put it in the original bylaws when we started the conference. A team must play Division 1-A football for 15 years before becoming leader. Otherwise known as the Hoya Rule, just in case
Is that why? I thought it was cause we didn’t like blacks.
Well, um, I assume that’s skin and not fur. So that doesn’t preclude me.
Sorry, you have to be a member of the conference.
I AM a member.
I don’t mean for basketball.
I don’t mean for basketball either.
Whatever. Look, I don't know how they do it in the SWAC, but-
The SWAC? What the hell are you talking about, you hillbilly? I was in Conference USA. Same as Cardinal and Bull. And we won the International Bowl last year!
Bubbe, that's great news. Maybe this year you'll be allowed to play in an American bowl.
Forget it, being president isn't worth dealing with this.
I guess I’ll give it a shot.
Panther, I suggest you just step down.
Why? I deserve this right as much as anyone.
Ugh. I didn’t want to have to do this.
Cardinal rummages through his pockets. He shows Panther a photo.
I think you should sit down and be quiet now.
You know there’s a very go-
Well, unless I’m mistaken, it looks like I’m still President.
Hold it a second, Red. According to your bylaws, there’s one more. (
Everyone looks at Otto.
Otto, do you want to be President?
All in favor?
Now hold on-
-one second, I-
-we need to-
-This would never happen in the SEC-
-Possibly in the Pac-10, but not-
That’s it. Effective immediately, Otto, you are President on the Octonion. Any first words as our leader?
NOW we’re talking…