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The Octonion Strikes Back

A secret society of the eight wealthiest mascots in the Northeast convenes at an estate in Providence, RI, otherwise known as Mike Tranghese’s basement. Chips and mango-peach salsa are served.


They control the Northeastern bank money supplies, Fort Dix, ESPN and the Weslyan College student newspaper.

They are known as The Octonion. Their previous meetings can be seen here and here.

The South Florida Bull is standing at the podium. The Pitt Panther, Rutgers Scarlet Knight, West Virginia Mountaineer, UConn Husky, Otto the Orange and the Cincy Bearcat are all seated around him.

Okay, okay, if everyone could settle down, let’s get started.

Um, shouldn't we wait for Cardinal to get here?

Are we really doing this formality thing? I mean-


Chapter 7, section C of the bylaws clearly states-

Chapter Fuck, section You of my bylaws states you sit down and lets get started.


Bull, I really think we should wait.



Husky, where’s the beer?



What, sweetie?



I thought it was your turn to bring the beer, where is it?



Oh, I wasn’t in the mood for beer, but I did bring some mojito mix. I am DY-ING to go to Cuba and have a real one, you know? Just relax under a palm fronds while Raul tends to my every needs.


I’m not drinking no queer-ito. I want some beer.



Good sir, try some of my hearty ale.



Is it good?



Tis hearty.



What does that mean though?






Webster’s defines hearty as abundant, rich, or flavorful enough to satisfy the appetite.

Aye. What he said.



Mountaineer chugs.

The Louisville Cardinal arrives.




Sorry I’m late, guys.



It’s alright, we know you’re not a lot of things you used to be.



Hey! C’mon now, low blow.

Let’s get this show on the road, I’m taping an interview with Stephen A. Smith in 45 minutes.



That’s great, what’s he talking about?



About 150 decibels.






Thank you, I’ll be here all week. Be sure to tip Otto on your way out.






Okay, let’s get started. I called today’s meeting because I want to clear the air about an email I received recently. Quoting, "Hey Cardinal. You are gay. You shouldn’t be president of the Big East no mo. Cause you suck. And you’re gay."

Who would send such a hateful email?



It was sent anonymously but I have reason to believe it came from someone in this room.



Well you know it wasn’t me, sweetie. If I knew you were gay, I’d-



Husky! Not now.



Terrible diction aside, maybe he’s got a point.



What point is that?



That we need new leadership. Clearly, you’re unfit for the job this year.



Doesn’t matter. I’ve earned the right to stand here until a new champion is crowned.



Look what’s happened since you’ve become President. You almost lost to Middle Tennessee State in front of a national audience. Then you lost to an SEC team, your in-state rival! And then you lost…to Syracuse!






What are you saying?



I am issuing a vote of no confidence in you, my lord.



I’d like to see one of you try to do this job.



I’m ready to take the job back. Did a pretty good job last year.



Please. Did you want to sew that Gator Bowl patch on your sleeve now or do we still have to go through the motions?


If you choose me king, I shall fight for you with honor and glory. I shall vanquish any enemy, destroy any ogre and smite any dragon even if it comes from the pits of hell.


C'mon now, I hear Birmingham's lovely in the fall.



I will do anything for you.



Does that include playing a non-conference game on the road?



Anything except that…



I’d like to throw my name in the hat.

Are you kidding me? The guy with the program that didn’t exist fifteen years ago? Well you can’t.



Why not?



The "Must have existed for fifteen years rule."

Give me a break.

Believe it or not, he’s right. We put it in the original bylaws when we started the conference. A team must play Division 1-A football for 15 years before becoming leader. Otherwise known as the Hoya Rule, just in case Georgetown ever joined the football conference. We all hate that fucker.



Is that why? I thought it was cause we didn’t like blacks.












Well, um, I assume that’s skin and not fur. So that doesn’t preclude me.



Sorry, you have to be a member of the conference.



I AM a member.



I don’t mean for basketball.



I don’t mean for basketball either.



Listen Bearclaw-







Whatever. Look, I don't know how they do it in the SWAC, but-




The SWAC? What the hell are you talking about, you hillbilly? I was in Conference USA. Same as Cardinal and Bull. And we won the International Bowl last year!


Bubbe, that's great news. Maybe this year you'll be allowed to play in an American bowl.

Forget it, being president isn't worth dealing with this.




I guess I’ll give it a shot.



Panther, I suggest you just step down.



Why? I deserve this right as much as anyone.



Ugh. I didn’t want to have to do this.

Cardinal rummages through his pockets. He shows Panther a photo.

I think you should sit down and be quiet now.



Right, right.

Awkward silence.

You know there’s a very go-









Well, unless I’m mistaken, it looks like I’m still President.

Hold it a second, Red. According to your bylaws, there’s one more. (Reading) If at any time a team defeats the standing president’s team, that team may call a meeting and overtake the President by way of a majority vote.

Everyone looks at Otto.





Otto, do you want to be President?







All in favor?



Now hold on-






-one second, I-






-we need to-






-This would never happen in the SEC-



Fuck yeah!



-Possibly in the Pac-10, but not-



Here here!



That’s it. Effective immediately, Otto, you are President on the Octonion. Any first words as our leader?




Kisses for everyone!!!




NOW we’re talking…