For example, if you plan on watching Notre Dame this weekend, Orsen recommends an appletini. Why?
It’s green. It’s cliched no matter how ironically you serve it, or how sincere you may be in your love for it–it’s still an appletini, and thus mockable. And it’s a drink that comes with low expectations no matter how ironically your order it, too, an appropriate point of sympathy with the humble fare for the Irish in ‘07.
For the discriminating Syracuse fan, he has another kind of recommendation. Sure, a stiff drink is always in order when the Orange line up, but perhaps this is a little bit stronger than we're used to:
Drink: Industrial Solvent 3110
Why: Because it will [melt] your eyes on contact, provided you mix a heaping cupful in a quart of water.
Yet this will not be enough for you, Syracuse fan. Burning is nothing compared to what your uniform does to your eyes each Saturday, and is a familiar sensation to your offensive line, whose pants are scorched with each play against a semi-competent defense. As it passes the throat, you’ll notice the powerful sensation of something very wrong occurring, as if your offense were taking the field to go three and out, as it does on nearly every single possession against all but the most vertigo-stricken of opponents.
Finally, as the corrosive solvent begins to eat through your stomach and into your intestines, you’ll reach shock, a place not unlike the atmosphere in the third quarter of most games in the Carrier Dome, where you watch WVU, Louisville, Pitt (even Pitt, my God!) and other teams who chose coaches more wisely than you outpace you in the Big East.
Even pedestrian Iowa, fresh off scoring 16 points on NIU last week, could run up thirty, dare we say forty points on you this week. If you run out of your stock of corrosive solvents, check nearby barns for pesticides. They’ll have the same desirable effect, though with the grassy tang you’ve come to know after years of drinking anything at arm’s reach to dull the pain of your football program.Suddenly the six-pack of Zimas I picked up for the game doesn't seem strong enough.