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Oh, To Be Young And Disease-Free

By this time next week, the Class of 2011 will have been moved in, orientated and fully matriculated at Syracuse University. The initial shock of finding out just exactly where Brewster-Boland Hall is on campus and how close to death you are every day has worn off. A semblance of a mental campus map is starting to take shape in their brains. They're dozens of experts telling you what kind of storage units you need for your dorm room and how much time you should give yourself to get to each class.

But is anything giving you some real insigh
t? Is anyone letting you know the true do's and don'ts that will make a difference in your lives? I hope to impart a little bit of knowledge upon you as to make your first few weeks in the Salt City as pleasant as possible. After that, you're on your own, frosh.

  • That round, fried ball of dough in the cafeteria called falafel? Learn it, live it, love it.
  • The dining hall in Shaw. It's just better.
  • It's 3am. The pizza van on University Place and Ostram. You ask for a slice of pizza. They offer you a side of blue cheese to go with it. I'm not gonna lie to you, its the greatest edible concoction ever invented. But when you wake up tomorrow, I guarantee you the very thought of it is going to make it all come right back up.
  • Your best post-bar option...Pita Pit on Marshall. I know it might not be what you want but your esophagus will thank you in the morning. Plus, yelling "baba ghanoush" at the top of your lungs seems really funny when you're drunk.
  • Best late-night delivery? Dorians. Besides pizza, they specialize in Quizno's-style sandwiches and have all been named after Greek Gods. I was an Aris and Artemis fan, myself. Make for fun the next day when your bowel movements seem to be exiting you as if Zues himself was forcing them out himself.
  • The Varsity pizzeria. Honestly, its okay. Nothing to cream your pants over. People have just convinced themselves otherwise cause its been around for a while.
  • Admittedly, my train has sailed on the Cuse bars. My fixture, Darwins, is long gone and last I heard, no one goes to Regatta for Happy Hour anymore. And apparently Chuck's is back. You're on your own with this one.
  • Maggie's blows.
  • As long as there's a fake ID present that's half-way good, you should be okay with the liquor shops around Marshall. But if you or your friend has a car, I'll let you in on a little secret only South Campus and Off-Campus students know. Drive to the shopping center on Nottingham Road, past South Campus. Go into the supermarket, make for the rear and grab your beer. Now look for the youngest cashier currently working, preferably a high school student. You could show them a hand-written note from your older brother that says its cool for you to get drizzunk and they'll approve it.
  • If you're forced to walk for beer, that's still okay. You'll just have to learn the carefully choreographed ballet that exists between you and your dorm ID checker. You and four friends exit the dorm all wearing clearly-empty backpacks. Friend with ID purchases beer. You all stuff the beer into said backpacks, trying not to let strange, geometric shapes overpower the bag. You don't want to walk back in with an isosceles triangle sticking out over your shoulder. When you return to the dorm, stagger your entrances. One guy goes, then two guys, then one more...finally the last. Return to your room and enjoy your brew.*
*The dorm ID checkers know exactly what's you're doing, make no mistake. Such knowledge should make you feel like an imbecile for even attempting this rouse, but then you realize that its worth the adrenaline rush to feel like a master criminal so you keep doing it.

  • Your football ticket has an assigned seat on it. That's bullshit. Find your new-found friends and make your stand in Row D of the student section. Others will arrive and cry foul but no one's gonna go to all the trouble of checking tickets. Just give the guy the "sucks, man, I hate those people too" look and then keep cheering for the Orange.
  • You played lacrosse in high school. You were pretty good, maybe you made 2nd team All-Conference or something. You're not good enough for the Varsity team by far, but you figure you could probably hold your own with the club team. No. You can't.
  • You've always wanted to give rugby a try. If you value your ears and the straightness of your nose, you won't.
  • It's a hike for most and especially for those in BB but you'll want to start making the trek up to Euclid and the surrounding area before it hits 10 degrees outside. Picking a good house party is a little like picking a cab in Cancun (which I suppose you don't know much about either). $3 or $4 for a red cup is good, $5 is pushing it. You better be getting some hard liquor or free Jello-shots for $5. I know it just a dollar, but its the principle, you know?
  • Euclid, Comstock, Livingston, Ackerman, and Lancaster are all good news but don't go any further East than that. You don't want to stumble into a Le Moyne party and be those Syracuse dicks who think they're better than us cause they're from New Jersey
  • Learn how to tap and properly pump a keg. This is one of the five most important things you will learn in your entire college experience and make you a champion of the people at a party one day soon.
This is all just a primer, there's plenty more to learn. But learning it yourself is all part of the fun. Go forth, Class of '11. Learn much during the week. And spend your weekends forgetting it all.