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Syracuse Adds All Remaining Northeastern Schools To Basketball Schedule

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SYRACUSE, NY - Not content until they had scheduled every Division 1-A program in the Northeast for the upcoming 2007-2008 basketball season, Syracuse University announced the final additions to their schedule will include three fictional institutions of higher learning, Port Chester University, Harrison University and Big State University.

When asked about the strategy, men's basketball coach Jim Boeheim remarked "How much more Northeastern could our out-of-conference schedule get? None. None more Northeastern."

The Port Chester Whooping Cranes are coming off a 1-27 season, their fourth since the program was reinstated. The men's basketball program was originally disbanded in 1994 as part of the "inequality in athletics programs" decree of then-President Garcia-Thompson. The program was re-instated in 1995 by the newly-appointed school president but never recovered from the loss of its scholarship athletes. The team is lead by nineteen-year-senior James "Droz" Andrews who, despite missing ten games last season for medical-marijuana-related injuries, still averages 14.9 points per game including a 27-point performance in the team's lone victory. The Cranes are coached by Bill "Gutter" Gutarski, whose lifetime record was lifted to 9-107 with last season's victory.


Syracuse welcomes Big State University to the Carrier Dome as well. Big State has finally recovered from the NCAA's Death Penalty, which was levied on the program after the 1999 Jesus Shuttleworth/booster scandal that rocked the university. Shuttleworth (seen here playing for the Seattle Supersonics) was part of an elaborate scheme involving the Governor, a Big State alumnus. The program was reinstated in 2005 and was able to end last season with a respectable 10-19 record.

Harrison University is coming off a 16-14 season and rapidly improving under coach Frank Ricard's "run, gun and generally go batshit crazy" style of play. Ricard, who also acts as the team's mascot during timeouts and has been known to referee games when needed (see right), seems to have inspired the university to rally behind a team that has been directionless ever since Dean Gordon "Cheese" Pritchard stepped down in 2003. Ricard, who may or may not be an alumnus of the university, has also been called forward-thinking for his partnership with local electronics store Speaker City, who sponsors the team and organized the recent Whitesnake concert which Ricard's unfortunate streaking incident took place. The NCAA has not yet taken any actions against Ricard although he is expected to enter rehab for the twelfth time in the last two years.

Syracuse hopes to expand its outreach in the 2008-2009 season to include other fictional universities to their out-of-conference schedule including Texas State, Eastern State and Western U, according to Athletics Director DOCTOR Daryl Gross.


"We don't just want to take on fictional universities from the Northeast. We welcome the challenge that fictional universities from all around the country present," said Gross. "Besides, the NCAA Committee doesn't know the difference between real universities and fake ones anyway. They've been putting Coppin State in the tournament for years and they closed their doors in 1912."