What I can provide is the kind of just-enough reporting that is lazy enough that I can get by without putting too much effort in yet with a large word count so that it really feels like I'm doing something worthwhile. I'm not here to help you win your Big East fantasy football league, I just want to provide you with information that might help you at get-togethers, dinner parties or box socials.
Basically, I'm the Freddie Mitchell of seasonal previews.
So for my 2007 Syracuse/Big East Preview, I'm going to need a little help. Something to help me bring all the information together. A little cohesion, if you will. Naturally, the first thing that came to mind was...Real Genius. Yes, the Val Kilmer film that is inarguably the most underrated comedy of the 80's. This not up for discussion.
Using the most famous quotes from the film, let us begin TNIAAM's official Syracuse/Big East Preview. Please note, there's no real order to anything below, its all a little hodge-podge.
Mitch Taylor: Something strange happened to me this morning.
Chris Knight: Was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort of sun-god robes on a pyramid with a thousand naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at you?
Mitch Taylor: No.
Chris Knight: Why am I the only person that has that dream?
Professor Hathaway: You know, when I first brought you into this school I thought you'd become another Einstein. And you were well on your way. And then?
Chris Knight: I got a haircut.
Professor Hathaway: You're disappointing me, Chris.
Chris Knight: And you, me Jerry.
Chris Knight: This? This is ice. This is what happens to water when it gets too cold. This? This is
You would think UConn's Randy Edsall (8 years, 41-51, 1 bowl) has his job intact, he being the one who guided the Huskies from Division 1-AA to Division 1-A pushover to bowl team in less than a decade. But his own success might have been his undoing. After back-to-back winning seasons, Edsall has suffered through back-to-back losing seasons. In a time when any team in the conference can make a legitmate run, the clamor for improvement is getting louder and louder in Storrs. Another bottom of the barrel season might be it for Randy.
Syracuse's Greg Robinson (2 season, 5-18, 0 bowls) isn't in danger of losing his job at the moment, but if he doesn't at least show some improvement this season, he'll be public enemy #1 come this time next year in the Dome.
Chris Knight: "Rue the day?" Who talks like that?
Chris Knight: Look at it this way. Considering the type of people you are and the environment you're in, you have to admit the strong possibility this may be the only chance you ever have in your entire lives... to have sex.
John, Ryan, Ryan, Ian, Ben, Rice, Niko, Adam and Jeremy, however you can parlay the fact that you're on the football team into getting some action (consentually, of course)...do it. I'm rooting for you. Orange Nation is rooting for you.
Mitch: My mother does that to my underwear.
Chris Knight: Your mother puts license plates in your underwear? How do you sit?
Likely not...but finger's crossed.
Prof Hathaway: We're different than most people, Mitch. Better.
Chris Knight: First, you have to get even with
There's a few games on the conference schedule that represent prime revenge opportunities.
In what has become the annual Big East Game of the Year,
USF came into
SU had the nationally-ranked Hawkeyes primed for an upset before their vomit-inducing 7-down stand from inside the two-yard-line. Wouldn’t it be nice to finish what we started?
Chris Knight: We are? What about that time I found you naked with that bowl of Jello?
Chris Knight: This is true.
To the Preseason All-Degenerate Big East Team. Well, at least the offense is pretty solid. The defense is a work-in-progress but at least they're already working together.
Starting QB: Matt Grothe, USF
Stats: Serving alcohol to minors
Backup QB: Adam Benarik, WVU
RB: Mike Ford, USF
Stats: Driving without a license, driving with a suspended license, contempt of court
WR: Branden Mclean, UConn
Stats: Two seperate charges of breach of peace (aka fighting), both arrests within four days of each other
Stats: Disorderly conduct, obstructing and officer
SS: Carlton Williams, USF
Stats: Disorderly conduct, obstructing and officer
ATH: ???, Cincy
Stats: Lying to officials about sexual misconduct, suspended three games, name withheld
(thanks to EDSBS's Fulmer Cup for keeping track of such things)
Prof. Hathaway: You still run?
Chris Knight: Only when chased.
Stud senior running back Delone Carter, the savior of the 2007 Orange? Sidelined for the season with a knee injury. I have heard the injury referred to as "Bo Jackson-esque," which is the second-worst thing someone could tell you after, only behind your girlfriend bragging about the marathon sex session she had with 50 Cent over the weekend.
Next up, Curtis Brinkley. Curtis isn't our first choice, but as long as he's healthy we'll take him. One problem...he got injured too. Not as severely, but enough that I'm about to mention incoming freshman Doug Hogue who would be expected to help out...if he didn't get hurt too. You see what I'm getting at? We're left with a hobbled Brinkley and Paul Chiara, a combo that is suspect at best.
Chris Knight: OK, if you think that by threatening me, you can get me to be your slave, well... that's where you're right, but - and I'm only saying this because I care - there are a lot of decaffeinated brands on the market today that are just as tasty as the real thing.
Part II of The Syracuse/Big East Preview Tomorrow...