All this Big Ten expansion nonsense currently gripping Orange Nation in a sense of panic, not only because if its true our entire identity changes but also because we have to hope Boston College fans forget all the mean things we said about them. Then of course there's the Pac-10 "F You And Your Playoff" rhetoric which has struck fear into the heart of ESPN and ABC executives nationwide. All of it is part of a great problem that some of us seem to be able to see and others seem to be blissfully ignorant of. No matter the changes we make, no matter the conference shifts, additions and subtractions and no matter the BCS, playoff, plus one system we come up with to decide the national championship, we will always be trying to improve on an imperfect system.
If you just arrived here from planet Quertax (and if so, welcome!) and I explained to you that even though the American League and the National League operate under the same governing body, share the same talent pool and play the same game yet they continue to use the designated hitter rule differently, you would look at me with your 400 eyes like I was from Kromulax 9.
I know, don't try to tell a sports fan that their traditions are wrong. God forbid we ever alter the rules of a sport that worked in 1908 but no longer make any sense. That's a story for another time, likely related to the whole "things were better back then" mentality which is equally a crock of shit.
What I'm getting at it that if we really wanted to fix college football, let's fix college football. I don't mean tweak the BCS formula. I don't mean add a plus one. I don't mean make the BCS conferences all have twelve teams. I mean lets blow this fucker up and start over operating under the Common Sense Rules of Organized Sports Leagues.
Rule #1 - The teams shall be divided by conferences and those conferences will to the best of their ability be even in numbers and champion-determination.
Rule #2 - The conference champions will be the team eligible for the post-seasons tournament to decide the National Champion.
Rule #3 - Wild Card teams will be chosen from the conferences as well, determined by statistics incurred on the field, not via a vote or governing body decision.
Rule #4 - The qualifying teams will play in a win-or-go-home playoff to decide the champion.
Sidenote - There are no such things as bowls or the BCS
Now the tricky part. Separating all of the teams into evenly-numbered conferences. 120 teams to choose from. So we can create ten conferences of twelve. Perfect. The first thing I found out when trying to come up with this monstrosity? Perfect ain't that easy. Taking into account geographic locations, rivalries and trying to keep numbers even made it extremely difficult to field my perfect conferences. So, I finagled and allowed for differences in those numbers. With that, I give you, NCAA Football 2.0
The Northeastern Conference (11)
East Division
Boston College
Maryland
Navy
Rutgers
UConn
West Division
Army
Buffalo
Penn State
Pittsburgh
Syracuse
Temple
The Coastal Conference (14)
North Division
Kentucky
Louisville
Marshall
Virginia
Virginia Tech
West Virginia
Western Kentucky
South Division
Arkansas
Arkansas State
Memphis
Middle Tennessee
Missouri
Tennessee
Vanderbilt
The Southeastern Conference (16)
North Division
Clemson
Duke
East Carolina
Georgia Tech
North Carolina
North Carolina State
South Carolina
Wake Forest
South Division
Central Florida
Florida Florida Atlantic
Florida International
Florida State
Georgia
Miami (FL)
South Florida
The Gulf Coast Conference (12)
Iron Division
Alabama
Alabama-Birmingham
Auburn
Mississippi
Mississippi State
Troy
Pelican Division
Louisiana State
Louisiana Tech
Louisiana-Lafayette
Louisiana-Monroe
Southern Mississippi
Tulane
The Midwest Conference (11)
Midway Division
Illinois
Iowa
Iowa State
Northern Illinois
Northwestern
Great Lakes Division
Ball State
Indiana
Notre Dame
Minnesota
Purdue
Wisconsin
The Pacific Conference (13)
North Division
Cal
Fresno State
Oregon
Oregon State
San Jose State
Stanford
South Division
Arizona
Arizona State
New Mexico
New Mexico State
San Diego State
UCLA
USC
The Rocky Mountain Conference (14)
North Division
Boise State
Idaho
Nevada
UNLV
Washington
Washington State
Wyoming
South Division
Air Force
BYU
Colorado
Colorado State
Utah
Utah State
Hawaii
The Lake Erie Conference (12)
North Division
Central Michigan
Eastern Michigan
Michigan
Michigan State
Toledo
Western Michigan
South Division
Akron
Bowling Green
Cincinnati
Kent State
Miami (OH)
Ohio
Ohio State
The Dust Bowl Conference (16)
North Division
Kansas
Kansas State
Nebraska
Oklahoma
Oklahoma State
North Texas
Texas Tech
Tulsa
South Division
Baylor
Houston
Rice
Southern Methodist
Texas
Texas A&M
Texas Christian
UTEP
Based on last season's results, your conference champions (and their conference championship opponents) would have looked a little like this:
Northeastern - Rutgers (#9) over Penn State
Coastal - Louisville (#5) over Arkansas
Southeastern - Florida (#2) over Wake Forest
Gulf Coast - Louisiana State (#6) over Auburn
Midway - Wisconsin (#3) over Northern Illinois
Pacific - USC (#7) over Cal
Rocky Mountain - Boise State (#4) over Hawaii
Lake Erie - Ohio State (#1) over Michigan
Dust Bowl - Oklahoma (#8) over Texas
With 9 conferences, we'll need to field some wild cards in order to fill in the playoffs. I'm a big proponent of byes so we'd give the top four seeds a bye (Florida, Ohio State, Wisconsin and Boise State) leaving us with five conference champs and room for three wild cards. For the sake of argument, lets call those teams #10 Michigan, #11 Wake Forest and #12 Auburn. So the playoffs would go a little something like this:
First Round
#12 Auburn def. #5 seed Louisville
#6 LSU def. #11 Wake Forest
#7 USC def. #10 Michigan
#8 Oklahoma def. #9 Rutgers
Second Round
#1 Ohio State def. #12 Auburn
#2 Florida def. #8 Oklahoma
#7 USC def. #3 Wisconsin
#6 LSU def. #4 Boise State
Third Round
#7 USC def. #1 Ohio State
#2 Florida def. #6 LSU
National Championship
#2 Florida def. #7 USC
Of course, I know I just spent too much time doing this for naught. I know the chances of something this drastic happening are about as likely as a non-BCS team beating a BCS team in a BCS bowl. No wait... We can all dream, right? And when the powers-that-be announce the latest imperfect tweak to their drastically imperfect system to appease imperfect athletic directors and conference barons, you may want to.