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As The Octonion Turns

Three figures in black masks are led into a dark room. They’re thrown down onto steel chairs and told to sit quietly. They are tied up.

Quickly, the masks are pulled from their heads, revealing three disheveled, sweaty mascots.

What the hell’s going on?



What treachery is this?



Boo for everything!

Shit...I've seen this movie. Now one of us is gonna be forced to eat the other one's intestines in order to survive or some shit. I'm eatin' Orange over there...least he'll be juicy.


Unhand me, you fools. So that I may brain thee! Reveal yourselves!


From the shadows emerge some familiar faces…

Scarlet, cut the shit.

Looks like someone’s been bad wittle boys.

I think you all know why you’re here.

Chocolate sundaes and sprinkles!!!



No, Otto.

What’s this shit all about the Big Ten?

Bull, please. Language.

Fuck off, twinkle tail.

I don’t know what you’re talking about.



Oh come on, Panther. The Big Ten is looking to expand and you three happen to keep coming up. What gives?

Tis nothing but conjecture!

That’s what Eagle said right before he flew the coup.



Eagle…flew the coup?

Too much?



Guys, seriously. I haven’t talked to anyone. Scarlet, you talked to anyone?





Hickery smoked bacon!

Otto, have you spoken with anyone from the Big Ten lately?




No, but I have dreamt of rainbow unicorns dancing in fields of golden fleece!



So that’s a no. You happy?

The Cincinnati Bearcat rushes in.

What the hell, guys? Why didn’t you tell me you were doing this?

You didn’t get Mountaineer’s message?

What message?



I’m sorry, who are you?

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

‘Neer, he’s the Bearcat.


From Cincinnati.


Which is now in the Big East.

Hahaha…no seriously.

‘Neer, why don’t you go wait outside.

No, I’m fine.

Did you see that couch in perfectly good condition on the way in?


I think maybe it needs a little burning, what do you think?



ALRIGHT! I’ll be out back getting my burn on!

The Mountaineer leaves.




Sorry, Panther. Well…alright, I guess you guys can go.

The three prisoners are untied.




You guys can just ask us next time you hear a crazy rumor, you know?

Just keep your noses clean.

Coming from the representative of the team with the most arrested players in the Big East, that means a lot.

I’ll kill you, I swear to God. I’ll strangle you to death with your own tail.

Please don’t hate us, guys. We love you and don’t want to see you go.

Otto loves all!!!



Everyone leaves, except for Otto, who pulls out his cellphone and dials.


Baby Bear to Papa Bear. The porridge is uneaten. I repeat, the porridge is still uneaten.





What the hell are you talking about?

None of the others are onto the plan.



So why didn’t you just say that?



I was using our code.

We never agreed to any code.


Okay, so I was using a code that I made up a few minutes ago.



I’m seriously starting to reconsider this…