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Syracuse's New Lineman Prospect Caught In Naptime Scandal

While I'm surprised with the dedicated "ESPN Sports" coverage of this event, I do applaud the speed at which they were able to get their correspondant on the scene and the wide swath of information she was able to give us about Cuse-bound Talitha.

So what do we know about Talitha, last name withheld due to the impending results of a strained-pea-payola investigation?

*Legs described as "very strong". We'll take the reporter's word for it.
*Runs a 424.6 second mother-assisted 40-yard-dash
*Needs a lot of cardio conditioning, despite what her "latest abs" tell us
*Disqualified during three-cone drill for using cones as a hat
*Scored a 56 on the Wonderlic
*Trouble maintaining balance, keeping her feet and squaring her shoulders to push the pile
*Has room to add a few more pounds of bulk but will require immediate diaper change
*Currently a better pro prospect than Perry Patterson, according to Mel Kiper Jr.