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Local Commercials Of Our Lives

If the Internet wasn't created for you to be able to relive all the glorious, low-budget, local commercials you've been subjected to throughout your life, then I just don't know what the point is.

The YouTubes and Interwebs have been quiet, almost eerily-quiet, with Cuse-related tomfoolery lately. It's like the calm before the storm, as if any minute a video of a six-year-old from Oswego rapping about "My boys from Onondaga, if yaz heard lemme hear ya holla" will be going online.

I find in moments like this that if you just sit back, something that you never even realized you were looking for will present itself. And so it has. Pants In A Can reminded me of something that came to my attention while at Syracuse that became a regular highlight of my day. I'd go to class, do whatever it was I had to do, and then I'd come home, settle in and turn on the TV. Then, it was only a matter of time until a Mr. Jim Shapiro made an appearance. An unassuming-sounding name for an unassuming-looking man.

But if that's what you believe, well my friend, you don't know the legend of Jim "THE HAMMER" Shapiro:

Did he just say "I cannot RIP out the hearts of those who hurt you...I cannot hand you their severed heads...BUT, I can hunt them down and settle the scoooooore....I'll squeeze'm for every dime I can...every...single...dime...I'm Jim...THE HAMMER...Shapiro...?" Yes. Yes he did.

Wikipedia just adds to the wondrous legend that is The Hammer:

In the 1990s, Shapiro became controversial for his self-promotional television commercials in which he promised to obtain large financial settlements for accident victims, referred to himself as "the meanest, nastiest S.O.B. in town"and claimed to have "aggressive courtroom prowess". His ads' visuals frequently included vehicle crashes, falling bodies, and explosions. He also began selling not-for-profit t-shirts which featured "a vicious beast with blood dripping from its fangs" and the words "Protected by Vicious S.O.B., Jim The Hammer Shapiro.

If you own one of these shirts, you have a solemn duty as an American to take a photo of it and send it to me.

Sadly, Jim no longer practices law (mostly due to some unfortunate malpractice suits he could not HAMMER away). But the legend will always live on on the Internet. I bestow upon you the below slices of fried gold to start your Memorial Day Weekend off right with. And remember, if you're thinking about drinking and driving this weekend, don't. Jim Shapiro may not practice the law anymore, but there's a whole country of HAMMERS out there waiting for you to make someone a VICTIM! VICTIM! VICTIM!

And while we're here, check out Lowell "The Hammer" Stanley, an assumed a protege of Jim's. What the hell is going on in the background? Is that a racetrack at one point? Can race car drivers sue for crashes now? Did I just see a guy get hit by a car and go flying? Can you show that?