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Beware The Doug

You know, you stroll through life sometimes, nary a care in the world. You see things happening right before you eyes and you pass it off as happenstance...luck of the draw...and you move on. But today I had an epiphany and I intend to share the horrible truth with you right here and now. No longer can you hide behind your orange hoodie from the soul-crushing truth. You cannot deny it any more.

It is the Truth of the Dougs.

Think about it. For weeks, you've been fed a steady diet of disruptive hate spewed forth from the mouth of Doug Gottlieb. The sam
e Doug Gottlieb that played for the Oklahoma State Cowboys that eliminated the Syracuse Orange from the 2003 NCAA Tournament. (ed. note: I meant 1999, talk about a lapse in judgement) Coincidence? I think not.

But if that doesn't do it for you...try this. If you took the letters D-O-U-G and typed them into your phone, it would be 3-6-8-4. Add that up and you get 21. The age that its legal to drink in the United States and drinking leads many people towards alcoholism, which slowly eats away at the liver and eventually causes...DEATH.

I'm not done.

Take D-O-U-G and line them up with their numerical counterpart (D=4, O=15, U=21, G=7). 4+15+21+7=47. 4*7=28. 2+8= 10. The amount of games Syracuse would not have won in 2006 if not for Gerry McNamara, according to Jim Boeheim.

Okay, now I'm starting to freak myself out.

Seriously think about...think about all the Dougs you know. Are any of them really good people? When was the last time you said to yourself "Gee, life really sucked and everything was going wrong...until Doug helped me out." NEVER.

The meaning of the name Doug: "Lives Near The Dark Stream." Are you kidding me!?!?!? I've never been near a dark stream, but seriously, that cannot be good.

Any good Dougs throughout history? Douglas Adams wrote The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, the movie version of which sucked. Doug was always the lesser Mackenzie brother. The animated Doug's full name was Douglas Yancey Funnie, sounds like an obnoxious blue-blooded prick if I ever heard of one. And Doug's 1st Movie? More like Doug's last movie. Dougray Scott made some horrible career choices (passing on being Wolverine in X-Men to do Mission Impossible 2) and is now a "that guy" actor. Do we even have to go into details about the crime against humanity that is Doug E. Doug?

I mean, look at this monstrosity. Is there one decent human being among them? ONE????

FACT: Judas Iscariot's real name was Doug Finkelbaum
FACT: The secret Catholic organization, Opus Dei, is an anagram for Dou(g) pies, a well-known favorite meal of satanists
FACT: Only
one Doug has ever played for Syracuse (Doug Yarnell - '58-'60) and he is hated to this day by all Syracuse alumni and faculty. Especially faculty.
FACT: One out of every three Nazis were named Doug
FACT: Sherman Douglas was born Douglas Sherman but required to reverse the order of his name before enrolling at Syracuse.

I do not say these things to alarm you. Well, okay...I do, but it is for your own good. A Doug stalks us day and night. He was wounded by our efforts against Georgetown but his powers have been renewed with the Villanova loss. All of our efforts must be made to defeat UConn tomorrow as to not allow a Doug to lord over us with inflammatory and insensitive comments about our team and their chances in the NCAA Tournament. The stakes are too high, people. Now...pray with me...

Revelation 12:9
And the great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, called the Doug, or Satan, which deceiveth the whole world: he was cast out into the earth, and his angels were cast out with him.

Amen.