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An Intervention


A knock at the door. Otto answers.

Hey O-man. You ready for the movie? I can’t wait!!! Nic Cage. The director of Daredevil. This can’t possible be bad!

Actually, Storm, we’re not going to the movies tonight.

What are you talking about?

I’m talking about this.

Otto flicks on the lights in the living room to reveal the UConn Husky, Pittsburgh Panther, Providence Friar, Villanova Wildcat, Georgetown Hoya, West Virginia Mountaineer, Seton Hall Pirate, Rutgers Scarlet Knight and Notre Dame Fightin’ Irishman, all seated in a semi-circle. A lone chair facing them is in the middle.

Please, Storm, have a seat.

I don’t understand…

Storm, everyone here is your friend. See?

Holla atcha boy.




Grrrr…eat to see you.

My liege.

My brother.


vurrry na tuuushhhh-a-eee oooo

What did he say?

No idea. We don’t know what he’s slurring most of the time anyway.

Storm, we decided that enough is enough and we needed to talk to you about what’s going on.

What….is…going on?

Storm…God makes us all unique and, while from time to time…

Just spit it out.

You suck, Storm.

I do not!

Yes, you do. Really bad.

I’m in a down cycle!

Oh, c’mon now Stormie, it’s been a little bit more than a down cycle.

Schnarf! You’re awful. Schnarf!

Hoya…c’mon man, you don’t really believe this?

Ya’ll ain’t bringin’ it like you used to, dawg. Man up.

Duuuuude. He’s right. Remember than night in ’86, when you took me to school with those crisp passes and amazing schemes? Good times, brah.

Like none of you have had your bad years? Give me a break.

No ones saying they haven’t had a few bad seasons here and there, but, Storm…this is getting ridiculous.

I used to love coming to New York. We’d play a competitive game and then I’d go down to Chelsea to meet my…business partners…and we’d dance the night away. Oh it was such good times. These days…it pains me to see you like this…

Y’ar…yer the 5th most successful basketball program of all time, does ya not know this? Yer been playin’ like a one-legged whore in a raccoon-eatin’ contest.

What does that even mean?

Y’ar, I don’t know.

Sir, you were once a proud defender of the Conference. A Final Four, 27 appearances in the grand tournament, lorded over by one of the greatest wizards of his day, Carneseca the Magnificent.

Yeah, but…hey, if this is so important to everyone, where’s the Cardinal? Or the Bull. And the Eagle, the Blue Demon and the Bearcat?

Those newbies? This about tradition, Storm. And everyone in this room knows what that means and we're the only ones who need to be here.

So why is he here? (pointing at Irishman)

Eee-sss-m har cooos ay wunnnabaaa.

He just does whatever he wants, so we couldn’t stop him.

Plus he’s killer wasted. No man left behind, you know…you heard that slogan? Bad ass man!!! Let’s chug!

Mountaineer! Avast ye Meister Brau and stick to the coordinates!

Guys, please. Storm, listen, we don’t hate you and we want the best for you but the point is this. You’re horrible. You’ve been horrible. There’s no sign that you won’t be horrible anytime in the near future.

You don’t even have a mascot anymore, your logo is just the Syracuse logo with an extension and your team name doesn’t even make sense.

You go out in public and you embarrass the rest of us, my son. You’re better than this…it has to the name of all that is Holy!

Seriously, guys, there’s nothing wrong…I’ve got it covered.

We think there’s someone who might beg to differ?


The door opens. The Redman walks through.

How. Good day, Red St...God, I can't even say it!

(sobbing) Oh God…what have I done???

Don’t cry like no bitch…shiiiiiiit.

Schnarf! It’s okay to let out our emotions. Bottling them up only cause more pain and lead to embarrassment and a lack of self-understanding. Schnarf!

Ohhhh…poor baby! Let Husky Wusky give you a little lovey dovey now…

Group hug, brahs!!!

The day is ours!

Storm, have you learned something today?

I realize now that I’m embarrassing the rest of the conference by being so bad. Even the Bull seems to be doing as well as I am and that’s not acceptable. I promise I’m gonna go out there and be the best I can be! Starting with the Big East Tournament.


Yeah…um…about that…

What…its gonna be great…I mean, its played on my home court…how perfect is that…alright, I’ll see you guys there! I gotta go practice!!!

Storm leaps up and runs out the front door.

So…who’s gonna tell him?

Not I, but did I mention how well I did in football this year?

Y’ar, about a thousand fucking times.