Last week's Ben Folds lyric-usage got the largest response in the history of the website...okay, it was one comment, but hey, we've been around for two weeks. Baby steps. This week, we up the ante by presenting TNIAAM's pigskin picks for the upcoming weekend with a little help from Chris Knight, Laslo Hollyfeld and the film Real Genius, the film that will forever make us wonder what could have been with Val Kilmer and cemented William Atherton's place alongside Karate Kid's Bill Zabka in the 80's Villian Hall of Fame.All rankings courtesy of ourselves. We could use the BCS rankings, but let's face it, is our system any less credible really?
Game: #4 West Virginia at Connecticut
Line: West Virginia -22.5
Prof. Hathaway:What are you looking at? You're laborers; you're supposed to be laboring. That's what you get for not having an education.
West Virginia. Don't worry about the polls. Don't worry about the critics. Don't worry about the BCS. Just put your heads down and play. No one's giving you guys scholarships to think. Come to think of it, that's a university-wide policy.
Final Score: West Virginia 40 UConn 7
Game: #5 Louisville at Syracuse
Line: L'ville at -17
Recruiter: You are Chris Knight, aren't you?
Chris Knight: I hope so. I'm wearing his underwear.
Louisville, you are a National Title contender, aren't you? If not, take off your underwear now.
Final Score: Louisville 35 Syracuse 20
Game: #15 Rutgers at #25 Pittsburgh
Line: Piitsburgh -6.5
Jordan: Are you finished?
Mitch: I can't start.
Jordan: Because I'm here?
Mitch: I think so.
Jordan: Weird. Well I have to go.
Mitch: Me too.
The Big East Game of The Year Until Those Other Two Schools Do Stuff. Rutgers is an apocalyptic 6-0, Pittsburgh is an under-the-radar 6-1. Something's gotta give in the race for the Sun Bowl.
Final Score: Pittsburgh 17 Rutgers 14
Game: #6 Texas at #14 Nebraska
Line: Texas -7
Chris Knight: You see Mitch, I used to be you. Lately I've been missing me so I asked Dr. Hathaway if I could room with me again and he said sure.
Wasn't too long ago those rankings were consistently the other way around. Nebraska may have worked its way back into the national discussion but the USC game confirmed that they are still a 2nd tier program. Texas will be more than happy to re-affirm that.
Final Score: Texas 51 Nebraska 28
Game: #20 Wisconsin at Purdue
Line: Wisconsin-6.5
Prof. Hathaway: I want to see more of you around the lab.
Chris Knight: Fine. I'll gain weight.
I've been hearing a lot of pro-Wisconsin talk this week. How they're much better than people think and should be ranked near the top ten. Show me what you got, Badgers.
Final Score:
Game: Indiana at #1 Ohio State
Line: Ohio State -30.5
Chris Knight: Self-realization. I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, when he said, "I drank what?"
For Indiana, who, a week after "upsetting" Iowa is reminded of exactly where it stands in the Big Ten and the world in general.
Final Score: Ohio State 48 Indiana 14
Game: Ole Miss at #18 Arkansas
Line: Arkansas -21
Chris Knight: OK, if you think that by threatening me, you can get me to be your slave, well... that's where you're right, but - and I'm only saying this because I care - there are a lot of decaffeinated brands on the market today that are just as tasty as the real thing.
Ole Miss, at least you have the advantage in gentlemanly club life.
Final Score: Arkansas 30 Ole Miss 10
Game: Kansas State at #24 Missouri
Line: Missouri -15
Professor Hathaway: Mitch, will you miss your friends?
Mitch: Well, no. I think I intimidate other kids.
Professor Hathaway: Good boy.
For Mizzou, who even after last week's loss, has confirmed that this season they'll be able to step out of the mired quagmire that is the Big 12's middle class and compete for a championship game appearance.
Final Score:
Game: Tulane at #9 Auburn
Line: Auburn -32
Prof. Hathaway: You still run?
Chris Knight: Only when chased.
For Tulane, who did a great job getting the program back on track and didn't get nearly enough credit for it in the shadow of the Saints. Sorry about this one, though.
Final Score: Auburn 35 Tulane 9
Game: UCLA at #9 Notre Dame
Line: Notre Dame -13
Chris Knight: Moles and trolls, moles and trolls, work, work, work, work, work. We never see the light of day. We plan this thing for weeks and all they want to do is study. I'm disgusted. I'm sorry but it's not like me, I'm depressed. There was what, no one at the mutant hamster races and we had one entry into the Madame Curie look-alike contest and he was disqualified later. Why do I bother?
Playing for Notre Dame at this point must be like playing for the Yankees. Win the whole thing or don't bother showing up at all. Everyone needs to lighten up, finally join a conference so you can manage expectations a little better (Hey, we won the Big East! Stop crying!) and worst case, really embrace those Silicon Valley Classic moments.
Final Score: Notre Dame 20 UCLA 17
Game: Washington at #10 California
Line: Cal -23
Chris Knight: May I take this opportunity to compliment you on your fashion sense, particularly your slippers.
Cal's absurd reasoning that "if we wear the kind of retarded-looking uniform that Oregon would wear against Oregon, that will lull them into a false sense of security and we can pounce" actually seemed to work. Let's pray they don't do it again. As for Washington, as Isiaiah Stanbeck goes, so go the Huskies.
Final Score: Cal 31 Washington 20
Game: Alabama at #7 Tennessee
Line: Tennessee -11
Kent: You're all just a bunch of degenerates!
Chris Knight: We are? What about that time I found you naked with that bowl of Jello?
Kent: You did not!
Chris Knight: This is true.
Kent: I was hot and I was hungry.
I'm sure Alabama fans (much like all other SEC fans) spent the off-season reveling in Tennessee's problems. Tables, you are hereby turned. Plus, I have no doubt that a tub of jello was involved in that Mike Price fiasco...assumedly strawberry. Roll Tide!
Final Score: Tennessee 27 Alabama 13
Game: #19 Boston College at Florida State
Line: FSU -6.5
Chris Knight: First, you have to get even with Kent. It's a moral imperative.
Florida State ain't what she used to be, but if Boston College wants to be taken seriously at all in the ACC, they better start beating some of those upper echelon programs consistently.
Final Score: Florida State 27 Boston College 20
Game: Iowa at #2 Michigan
Line: Michigan -13.5
Prof Hathaway: We're different than most people, Mitch. Better.
I dunno, just seems like something all Michigan fans think.
Final Score: Michigan 46 Iowa 19
Game: #17 Oregon at Washington State
Line: Oregon -4
Chris Knight: Kent put his name on his license plate.
Mitch: My mother does that to my underwear.
Chris Knight: Your mother puts license plates in your underwear? How do you sit?
At what point does Oregon say "You know that...I think everyone gets it. We're crazy enough to wear anything to get thier attention. Let's go back to wearing grown-up clothes"? I guess when Nike stops putting license plates in thier underwear.
Final Score: Oregon 34 Washington State 31
Game: #13 Boise State at Idaho
Line: Texas -21
Chris Knight: Look at it this way. Considering the type of people you are and the environment you're in, you have to admit the strong possibility this may be the only chance you ever have in your entire lives... to have sex.
Boise State has the chance to live like those BCS rockstars for once. The Idaho Fightin' Ericksons has the chance to get some bigtime exposure by beating an undefeated team and saving Myles Brand from humiliation...until Week 10.
Final Score: Boise State 34 Idaho 20
Game: #23 Texas A&M at Oklahoma State
Line: Okla State -3.5
Kent: I'm gonna get you guys. Dr. Hathaway's gonna hear all about this. You know, you'll rue the day!
Chris Knight: "Rue the day?" Who talks like that?
I have no correlation between that dialogue and this game. I just needed to make sure it was involved. Besides, does anyone outside of College Station care anyway?
Final Score: Oklahoma State 20 Texas A&M 10
Game: Colorado at #22 Oklahoma
Line: Oklahoma -14
Chris Knight: This? This is ice. This is what happens to water when it gets too cold. This? This is Kent. This is what happens to people when they get too sexually frustrated.
Colorado used to seem like a nice enough program. Then they became the bitch of Gary "Professor Hathaway" Barnett. Now, as much shit gets thrown on them, you can't help but laugh at them. Plus, we're pretty sure the program, like Kent, isn't getting laid as much as it used to.
Final Score: Oklahoma 37 Colorado 17
Game: #11 Georgia Tech at #12 Clemson
Line: Clemson -7
Mitch Taylor: Something strange happened to me this morning.
Chris Knight: Was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort of sun-god robes on a pyramid with a thousand naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at you?
Mitch Taylor: No.
Chris Knight: Why am I the only person that has that dream?
For the best exchange in the movie, the best game of the week. Personally, I think Georgia Tech is the Cal of the East Coast. Tough loss in first game, regrouped and now they're on track to win thier conference. Clemson is a little too smoke and mirror for me.
Final Score: Georgia Tech 28 Clemson 26
Game: Fresno State at #16 LSU
Line: LSU -33
Professor Hathaway: You know, when I first brought you into this school I thought you'd become another Einstein. And you were well on your way. And then?
Chris Knight: I got a haircut.
Professor Hathaway: You're disappointing me, Chris.
Chris Knight: And you, me Jerry.
Someone told LSU that Fresno State was good. Someone lied.
Final Score: LSU 31 Fresno State 13