I've always had a perverse fascination with college basketball "cheer cards." Those printouts nerdy ringleaders prepare and pass out to the slightly less nerdy student fans of their own nerdy fan bases. The thinking is that, since no one has time to pay attention to other teams, it's nice to have a crib sheet of what exactly you need to know to rattle the opposition. Through the lens of banality of course.
These cheer cards are filled with "jokes." Jokes you're supposed to use in heckling. Except the jokes are always as funny as...well the kind of jokes a Duke eighteen-year-old would come up with. It's like attending a celebrity roast and reading straight from cue cards you didn't write. And a Duke eighteen-year-old did.
So I figured, I'd make those nerdy kids lives a little easier for when they play us and just produce my own Syracuse cheer card. Opposing fan bases, feel free to print out, distribute, and USE.
SYRACUSE CHEER CARD
First, let's talk about Jim Boe-WHINE, their coach who holds the NCAA record for harvesting gold (boogers) from his schnoz (nose). He just passed Bobby Knight for second on the all-time wins list (Yell: "Sec-ond be-est! Sec-ond be-est!") He never goes to road games either, so I've talked to pep band leader Jamie Windsor and during lay-up lines we're going to play "Hit the Road, Jack" changing the Jack portion to Jim!
His BALDING assistant Mike Hopkins used to be a player too. He's gonna be SyraLOSE's next head coach. So let's taunt him like this: "Boeheim's never retiring!" or "Find. A. New Job!" *CLAP CLAP* "Find. A. New job!' *CLAP CLAP*
#1 Michael Carter-Williams (black) -- Once might have stolen a bathrobe. Which the rest of the world only knows about because Central New York just became addicted to Instagram and likes spreading incriminating photos all over the internet at the expense of the only enjoyable thing in town. Yell: "Your fanbase hates you!" or "Your fanbase are snitches!"
#43 James Southerland (black) -- Likes to have sex with lots of women at once and make tons of three pointers. So every time he gets the ball, chant "Three-some, Three-some, Three-some." That oughtta guarantee he only makes four 3s tonight!
#5 CJ Fair (black) -- Sounds like a sexual act I once almost did with a Tri Delt. "Hey! I want a CJ, CJ!" or simply "Ceeeeeeeeeeee Job!"
#32 Dajuan Coleman (black) -- Likes to pack 12 inches Wegman's heroes for road trips. Every time he goes to the foul line: "12 inches and packing! 12 inches and packing! 12 inches and packing!"
#25 Rakeem Christmas (black) -- Look at that surname. NUFF said! Every time he touches the rock: "Happy Hanukkah, Rakeem!" or "Blow out my menorah, you gentile bastard!" (NOTE: KWANZAA JOKES COULD BE PERCEIVED AS RACIST. AVOID.)
#20 Brandon Triche (?) -- This guy has stone cold confidence, always plays up to his potential, and is impossible to rattle or get off his game. So let's save our energy for other players. DO NOT TAUNT HIM OR HE MAY GO *OFF* AIR JORDAN STYLE.
#10 Trevor Cooney (white) -- "Get a tattoo, honkey!" or "Go back to Canada you Rautins wannabe!"
#12 Baye Moussa Keita (black) -- Baye Moussa whatever is from some African county that Mandela probably hasn't saved yet. "Hey, Baye, DeBeers called--you haven't finished your shift yet!" or simply "Blooooood Diamond. Bloooooood Diamond."
#3 Jerami Grant (black) -- His uncle was Horace Grant. Let's taunt him: "Your uncle looks like Urkel!"* or "Do you ever get to hold his 4 NBA championship rings?!"
Theodore "Mookie" Jones (black) -- Scooooooooooooooop!
Assorted walk-ons (white, white, white, Jew, black, black) -- When Jim Boeheim brings in his walk-ons around the 5 minute mark of the 2nd half, let's start going CRAZY. Chant "Walk-ONS! Walk-ONS!" and heckle them: "You have to PAY for school!" and "You've allowed our first team to get the score under 20, LOSERS!!!"
if WHEN we actually pull off the miracle and beat SUCKacuse, they are "OVER-RATED! OVER-RATED!" because it's always good to devalue a huge upset win before it's even in the books.
Then storm the court, potentially injure our star player, and slobber drunk stuff in coach's ear while some chick in a suit asks him inane questions.
*a popular black nerd from before we were born. Google it.
(C) Aaron Michael Goldfarb
#TacoTime: Get'cher Shitty Sports Here
I was pretty excited when Syracuse signed a contract with SNY in 2010. I figured, sweet, now I can watch minor Big East matchups with poorer production values and less-polished announcers. Yes, I'd like that as part of my cable package! Unfortunately, it's been an abject disaster, and I'm not just talking about having to view the final few minutes of "Geico SportsNite" while waiting for games to start.
I'll bring up two recent events. One was a Saturday night tilt with Canisius back in December which, instead of cutting to tip-off, SNY stayed with an unscheduled broadcast of a sparsely-attended Iona/Georgia overtime snoozer. Then tonight, ShitNY decides to broadcast a UConn women's hoops game over us?! Bumping our game to tape-delay tomorrow?! Enjoy that 0.1 rating, fellas! God, I hope my favorite bar has iPad mounts like your mom does in her kitchen. Buffering, buffering.
Meanwhile, against Rutgers last Wednesday, my new favorite player Jerami Grant (why isn't he playing more?!) netted his first career #TacoTime (you get to keep the game ball when that happens), joining his two freshman cohorts who had previously done it, and--for the first time all year--via a foul shot netted the CNY masses some Grade D ground beef carelessly dumped inside a federally-subsidized corn shell.
Aaron Goldfarb is the author of How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide and The Cheat Sheet. Syracuse basketball is the only thing he would ever write about for free. Send questions or thoughts to firstname.lastname@example.org or @aarongoldfarb