A secret society of the eight wealthiest mascots in the Northeast convenes at an estate in Providence, RI, otherwise known as Mike Tranghese's John Marinatto's basement. Chips and mango-peach salsa are served. They control the Northeastern bank money supplies, Fort Dix, ESPN and the Wesleyan College student newspaper.

They are known as The Octonion.

Parental discretion is advised.

Continue reading this post »

A secret society of the eight wealthiest mascots in the Northeast convenes at an estate in Providence, RI, otherwise known as Mike Tranghese's John Marinatto's basement. Chips and mango-peach salsa are served. They control the Northeastern bank money supplies, Fort Dix, ESPN and the Wesleyan College student newspaper.

They are known as The Octonion.

Parental discretion is advised.

Continue reading this post »

A secret society of the eight wealthiest mascots in the Northeast convenes at an estate in Providence, RI, otherwise known as Mike Tranghese's John Marinatto's basement. Chips and mango-peach salsa are served. They control the Northeastern bank money supplies, Fort Dix, ESPN and the Wesleyan College student newspaper.

They are known as The Octonion.

Parental discretion is advised.

Continue reading this post »

A secret society of the eight wealthiest mascots in the Northeast convenes at an estate in Providence, RI, otherwise known as Mike Tranghese's John Marinatto's basement. Chips and mango-peach salsa are served. They control the Northeastern bank money supplies, Fort Dix, ESPN and the Wesleyan College student newspaper.

They are known as The Octonion.

Parental discretion is advised.

	Somebody want to tell me what in the Flamerica University is going on around here?
	I don’t know what you’re talking about, sugar.
	Don’t feed me cow chips and call it kobe beef, poochie. You know what I’m talking about.
	Everybody calm down, no one is going to the Big Ten.
	I’ve got enough to deal with right now, I don’t need that kind of headache.
	Don’t flatter yourself. I don’t think they’ll be that interested when you’re playing the PapaJohns’com Bowl next year.
	What are you talking about? We don’t need Brian Kelly, we’ll be fine.
	HAHAHAHAHA…
	HAHAHAHAHA…
	HAHAHAHAHA…
	HAHAHA…Otto haz gigglez but duzn’t undurstanz wai.
	Cut the shit, fruit. We know you want in the Big Ten.
	Otto not commentin. Iz Big Ten isshu, not Saracuz isshu.
	Don’t feed us that line, Otto. We’re not stupid.
	Says the guy who hired Steve Kragthorpe.
	He won 8 games three times at Tulsa I’ll have you know.
	I’ll have you know you embarrass the fuck outta us.
	Go win a football game in October.
	Ladies, are you done? I wanna know who knows what, how they know it and what they know.
	That was hard to say for you, wasn’t it?
	I feel lightheaded. I need to take a breather. Pass me a Keystone Dry.
	He’s legally retarded but he’s right. Knight, you know something…
	Sir, I am offended! That barefoot plod I the cold ground upon with sainted vow my faults to have amended!
	What is that? Gay English?
	No, that’s not it.
	They say you’re talking to the Big Ten, Knight. What about us? What about your honor?
	Honour pricks me on. Yea, but how if honour prick me off when I come on? How then? Can honour set to a leg? No. Or an arm? No. Or take away the grief of a wound? No. Honour hath no skill in surgery, then? No. What is honour? A word.
	Next time can you just say "no?"
	A STRANGER ENTERS
	Oh hey fellas.

Continue reading this post »

A secret society of the eight wealthiest mascots in the Northeast convenes at an estate in Providence, RI, otherwise known as Mike Tranghese's John Marinatto's basement. Chips and mango-peach salsa are served. They control the Northeastern bank money supplies, Fort Dix, ESPN and the Wesleyan College student newspaper.

They are known as The Octonion.

Parental discretion is advised.

	Alright everybody, settle down.  I'm new at this so I'll so I'll do my best- BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  You suck! That's a little rude, don't you think? You know what’s rude?  Saying you’re gonna represent the Big East in the Orange Bowl and then letting Virginia Tech splooge all over you on national television. Hey, you had your shot.  Maybe you need to get yourself a coach that’s good enough to beat us. I'll have you know that our schedule last season was way tougher than the schedule we played when we went to the Fiesta Bowl the year before. Is that why you guys almost lost to Syracuse at home? No... So…you’re saying your Fiesta Bowl winning team wasn’t really that good. Well, no... Then what are you saying? Listen, I’m saying…uh…SHOTS!  WHO WANTS SHOTS?!? Okay, while ninth-year senior over here looks for the SoCo, I wanted to welcome all of you back to another rousing season of Big East football. Enjoy it while you can, pussies. Why's that? Because guess who’s the trendy pick, asshole? Ugh, you’re ALWAYS the trendy pick. Last year, and the year before that… Shit or get off the pot already.  At least Louisville has the common decency to either be really good or really horrible. Uh...thanks... I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE KIDNEYS, SHIT DOWN YOUR THROAT, SHOVE YOUR TAIL IN YOUR MOUTH AND USE IT LIKE A STIRRING STRAW. So aggro, chillax sweetie. Flavor crystals and butterscotch syrup!   Gentlemen, this grows tiresome.  Sorry to keep you, Scarlet.  I know you’ve got to get back to prepping for that grinding schedule of yours. I’ll have you know that every school on our schedule is accredited by the NCAA. Great, we’ll remember that when you go to the Orange Bowl and lose by 30 to an 8-4 ACC team.  That’ll make us feel so much better. Wait a minute, I just checked and Howard’s on his schedule. So? You can’t play Howard, right? Why couldn't you? Cause...you know... Cause they're black? NO!!! I was gonna say I thought they were Division 2 or something! I don't believe you. Oh come on!  That's crazy.  I have tons of black friends. Obama. What? You heard me.  Obama, mother fucker. Guys, if it’s all the same, I’d like my shot at the Orange Bowl.  I think I’m due. And that’s exactly why you’re going 6-6.  In a feverish dream, I saw you and your mustachioed leader.  I was bewitched by a prophecy.  It was December.  I saw a football field.  And upon it, the Pitt Panthers did battle.  And that field was in Birmingham Alabama. Did they actually score a point this time? That I cannot say, but I did foresee a great deal on Papa John’s Meat Lover’s Pizzas. Cured meats and quisenberries! Otto, I don’t think quisenberries are actual things, I think it’s just the last name of that guy from the Royals. Otto deals in the abstract!  Is only way to dull pain! Whuddya mean?  You’ve got this Marrone guy now.  He seems legit.  Nary a one-star recruit in all of Tri-State Area has escaped his ever-watching eye. Otto optimistic but realistic! At least you know you’ll beat Louisville, right? Hey, you guys, lay off me, will ya? Remember a couple years ago when you would put up 48 points on me? Yeah. And you layeth 56 points on me, a few moons ago. Sure. And 46 on me? Right. Yeah, go fuck yourself. Understood. Alright, have we covered everything? Bubbe, don’t forget lil old me. How could we.  Seriously, do us all a favor and lose early.  Please? Yeah, don’t make us all sweat out the possibility of UConn representing the Big East in the Orange Bowl.  Even WE’D kick us out of the BCS. You know, for your information I’m making a real effort to be taken seriously.  I’m scheduling well.  I’m winning important games.  And I’m building a strong recruiting and fan base in the Northeast. Yeah, but… But what? You’re UConn. Yeah. Right. Exactly. ......valid point. Alright everyone, good luck this season. Fuck you very much. Saw that coming. Tasteecakes and maraschino cherries!!

You can find records of the previous Octonion meetings below (excuse the formatting issues, one day I'll get around to fixing):

• Enter the Octonion, Part I
• Enter the Octonion, Part II 
• As the Octonion Turns
• Octonion Strikes Back
• Octonion Forever
• Octonion: Reloaded
• The Octonioning
• Octonion of Solace
• Octonion VIII: Global Meltdown
• The Day The Octonion Stood Still
• Octonion: Revenge of the Fallen

A secret society of the eight wealthiest mascots in the Northeast convenes at an estate in Providence, RI, otherwise known as Mike Tranghese’s basement (at least for the next couple months). Chips and mango-peach salsa are served.

They control the Northeastern bank money supplies, Fort Dix, ESPN and the Weslyan College student newspaper.

They are known as The Octonion.

OTTO!!!

Tra-la-la...tra-la-la...

Otto, explain yourself NOW!

Gillyweeds and gingerbread!

No.  No gillyweeds.  No gingerbread.  I need answers right now.

I is just a wittu guy.

I don't believe you.  Why are you doing this to me?  Why are you stealing my recruits?  Isn't beating me on a consistent basis enough? 

Boysenberries and lozenges!

What's going on here?

Stay out of this Knight.  This is between me and the fruit.

What did I do?

No, not...I'm talking about Otto!  I demand to know why you're doing this.

Otto not-

NO!  You can't back out of this and keep spouting nonsensical phrases and expect me to just forget it.  Aren't I at enough of a disadvantage with Kragthorpe? 

Vasecto-

STOP IT NOW!

Otto don't know-

TELL ME!!!

Francophones and-

TELL ME NOW!!!

Daisyjuice....and...and...and....

AWWWWWW FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!!

What the hell?

King Richard's lance!

What the shitballs just happened?

SHUT UP. ALL OF YOU.  THE CHARADE ENDS NOW.  YOU CALLED DOWN THE THUNDER WELL NOW YOU'VE GOT IT.

Otto, how are you-

OH LET'S ALL CUT THE BULLSHIT, SHALL WE?  YOU KNOW, LIKE HOW WE LIKE TO PRETEND YOU HAVE ANY SHOT IN HELL NEXT YEAR WITHOUT PAT WHITE?

I...but...Noel Devine...

BILL STEWART.

But...Noel Devine.

BUT...BILL STEWART.

Noted.

Otto, calm down now!

ZERO TO THREE? 

What?

0-3?  REALLY?

I had an off-night.

YOU HAD AN OFF-LIFE!

Someone, fetch me my warhammer.

SOMEONE SHOULD FETCH YOU A CREDIBLE BOWL BERTH!

Otto, you can't talk to us that way.  There are rules.

I'VE PLAYED BY THE RULES LONG ENOUGH.  LOOK WHERE IT GOT US.  YOU GOT INTO THE CONFERENCE.  YOU IN THE ORANGE BOWL.  YOU!  WHAT THE HELL WERE WE THINKING?

You better step back before I squeeze you, little man.

GO FOR IT.  YOU'LL START STRONG BUT EVENTUALLY TIRE AND FADE.  THAT'S WHEN I'LL GOUGE YOUR FUCKING EYES OUT AND FEED THEM TO GROTHE.

Heavens, Otto.  You're scaring me.

OH, YOU'RE SCARED NOW?  KNOW WHO ELSE SHOULD BE SCARED?  YOUR BOY EDSALL.  OH, YOU DON'T WANT TO COME PLAY WITH US, RANDY?  EAT A DICK.

Someone, call...someone.

AND YOU...QUESTION, WHAT DO A BEAUTIFUL THREE BEDROOM COLONIAL HOME WITH CENTRAL HEATING IN ANN ARBOR, MICHIGAN AND STEVE KRAGTHORPE HAVE IN COMMON?  GREG ROBINSON OWNS BOTH OF THEM!

Otto, we can't have you like this in meeting.

YOU CAN'T? YOU CAN'T NOT HAVE ME LIKE THIS.

That's a double negative.

YOUR BOWL APPEARANCE WAS A DOUBLE NEGATIVE.  I'VE HAD IT, PLAYING THE ROOK TO YOUR BISHOPS.  IT'S OVER.  I'M DONE POLISHING YOUR BISHOPS.  I'M THE MOTHER FUCKING KING NOW! 

What does this mean...it was a lie?  You really didn't care about honeysuckles and moonbeams?

WHO THE FUCK TALKS LIKE THAT?  SERIOUSLY???

Hey Otto look, it's another Big East team's two-star recruit.

WHERE!?!  HE'S MINE!!!  MINE MINE MINE!!!  I'M A WEALTHY MISER!

(Thwack!  A sock full of quarters hits Otto on the back of the neck.  Er...rind.)

What the hell was that?

I don't know but we're gonna need to contain it.  God have mercy on all our souls if that...thing...is ever unleashed.

I say, we continue to play just well enough as a conference to maintain our BCS standing but never really give our detractors a reason to think we're elite.  If they did, they might find out the horrifying truth.

That Cincinnati is screwed next year when Brian Kelly leaves?

No...that Otto is a monster.  A sleeping monster.

(Otto comes to...)

Otto...is it you?  Are you okay???

.........fried dough and jamborees!

You can find records of the previous Octonion meetings below:

• Enter the Octonion, Part I
• nter the Octonion, Part II
• As the Octonion Turns
• Octonion Strikes Back
• Octonion Forever
• Octonion: Reloaded
• The Octonioning
• Octonion of Solace
• Octonion VIII: Global Meltdown
• The Day The Octonion Stood Still

A secret society of the eight wealthiest mascots in the Northeast convenes at an estate in Providence, RI, otherwise known as Mike Tranghese’s basement (at least for the next couple months). Chips and mango-peach salsa are served.

They control the Northeastern bank money supplies, Fort Dix, ESPN and the Weslyan College student newspaper.

They are known as The Octonion.

(Everyone is present for a special meeting.  Everyone, except the Cincinnati Bearcat)

Hey Otto, thanks for making time to meet with us today.

Gingerbeans!

Right.  Anyway, we kinda wanted to ask a favor of you.

For all of us.

I tried to do it myself but...I just...I couldn't....

Hush now, bubbe.  Mamma's here now.

Otto, whatever it is you did against Notre Dame...you need to do it again this weekend against Cincinnati.

Is okay, I's just let Grimace take care of, again.

No, you won't be able to count on Charlie Weis this time.

Otto, we can't have Bearcat representing us in the BCS.  We just can't.

He doesn't have our historical value.

Or our national appeal.

Or our panache.

Or our devotion to the King.

Otto no want to.  Otto want to count moonbeams!

And you will, Otto.  All the moonbeams you can find.  You just need to do this one thing for us...

Do you really want a school that's not even in the Big East to be representing us-

'Neer.  We've been over this.

I don't care.  Not until I see documents.

Fine, I'll take you down to Big East headquarters tomorrow.

Can't.  Have a thing.

  What?

It's nothing...just something...

Are you going to Michigan to visit Rich Rod?

HE'S SO LONELY, PANTHER!  CAN'T YOU SEE!  HE NEEDS US.  WE NEED HIM. 

I think that ship has sailed, sweetie.

Shove it, Husky.  Don't you have a basketball player that needs to make bail?

Hey, don't take it out on me.  I'm the only one who did the sensible thing this season and beat Cincy.  What's all of your excuses?

T'was nothing I could do.  Was wrought with the Black Death that weekend.

You caught the bubonic plague?  And now you're fine?

I have strong platlets.

That doesn't make-

Stop it!  You're all a collection of assholes!  Stay on topic!  Otto, please...tell us you can beat Cincinnati so that West Virginia can go to the BCS Bowl instead?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, who the hell said they're going?

You did, when you choked on your own tail last weekend.

Shit, there were cameras?  Oh you mean...oh...well...I'm sure there's a way that I can still-

No.

Fraid not.

Your dreams are nevermore.

...fine, make it quick, 'Neer.

Still won't matter unless Otto can do...whatever the hell it is he does to beat Cincy.

Cardinal, remind him what works.

Me?  Why me?  I don't....I haven't...

Cut the shit, Big Bird. 

It's not so much Otto...it's more of a Kragthorpe-related issue.

Dickballs!  I'm out of ideas.

Can we stop for a second.   Dickballs?

Just came out.

That's what she said!  Heeheeheeheeheehee.  I's topical.

Really?  This is what we're entrusting the good name of the Big East conference to?

(Bearcat Enters)

Hey guys, I didn't know there was a meeting today.

Hey hey! We weren't just discussing anything shady at all.

Ooookay.

There he is....this guy....this is the guy...

Hey....Mr. Bigtime...with his BCS bowl berth...

Yeah...

And his low-rated Orange Bowl...

Yeah, I can't wa....wait, what?

And his losing to Oklahoma by 26.

Hey that was months ago.  And looks at what Texas Tech did against-

That's it!   Maybe we can get Texas Tech to transfer to the Big East!

It's so crazy it just might work.

I love it!  Mike Leach looks so rugged, so...mmmm...

Somebody, call...somebody.

I shall send four ships...one in each direction...

You want to send a ship from here to Texas? 

You assume that this, what do you call it...Texas...actually exists.

No, we assume you are a fucking asshat. 

Guys, I'm beating Syracuse and then I'm going to the Orange Bowl to play a four-loss ACC team and there's nothing you can do to stop me!

Otto no like Bearcat's tone...

Otto, it's nothing pers-

Otto angry...

Otto, stop-

Otto concerned about Big East's national reputation and bowl ratings and how's they reflect on future television contracts.

That was very well said, but-

OTTO WILL WIN ON SATURDAY!  I GO TO CINCINNATI NOW!  CHICKENSTEAK AND GRAVYBOATS!!!

(Otto runs through the wall, leaving a giant orange-shaped hole behind.)

I'd say our work here is done.

One thing though...

What's that?

He just ran into the Atlantic.

You can find records of the previous Octonion meetings below:

• Enter the Octonion, Part I
• nter the Octonion, Part II
• As the Octonion Turns
• Octonion Strikes Back
• Octonion Forever
• Octonion: Reloaded
• The Octonioning
• Octonion of Solace
• Octonion VIII: Global Meltdown

A secret society of the eight wealthiest mascots in the Northeast convenes at an estate in Providence, RI, otherwise known as Mike Tranghese’s basement (at least for the next year). Chips and mango-peach salsa are served.

They control the Northeastern bank money supplies, Fort Dix, ESPN and the Weslyan College student newspaper.

They are known as The Octonion.


Cut the chit-chart. What the fuck, Panther!?!?




I think he's out celebrating.




Sonofabitch! Now what are we gonna do?




Hemoglobin and double helixes!





Otto's right, the conference is a disaster.




I thought we had a deal, you guys. I beat all of you and then I win the national title.




Wait a fuckin' second, I thought that was MY deal.




Sorry, bubbies, looks like that's my deal now.




THIS is who we're going to send out there to represent us?




Gentle sir, if I may, I would be more than happy to fly our flag at the next BCS event.




Sorry Knight, you kinda have to do things like beat Navy first.




Damn that infernal Armada!



[Panther enters]


Hey, sorry I'm late, I...uh...was...




What the fuck, bro?




What? All's fair.




Didn't you get my memo?




You didn't write a memo.




Yes, I wrote a memo, asking you let me win so that I can be the conference's last best hope to do well in our BCS game.



How do you write with cloven hoofs?




Okay fine, I just called the concierge at you hotel and told them to leave you a message saying lose or I'll shove my Rocky Mountain Oysters down your throat.




Didn't get it.




How did you not get it? I bet it's there right now.




Nope...cause I was just, um, there, and I didn't see it, so...




Otto, go to Panther's hotel and find the memo.




Hooray, I have meaning!



[Otto leaves]


Wait! I, uh, uh...




What's up with you Panther? You're acting weird.




He's just confused cause the conference is big shitstorm and we're all stuck here staring each other down like it's a Dominican Standoff.



I'm pretty sure you mean a Mexican standoff.





Why, cause I'm from West Virginia and obviously that means I hate Mexicans?




No, I didn't...




Well, do you?




.........that's neither here nor there.




And where'd you get Dominican from? Whose ever heard of a Dominican Standoff?



Look...I hate all people of Carribbean and South American descent. There! You happy now? My hatred of festive colors, salsa music and churros isn't the point. The point is, our conference is in shambles. The Mountain West is going to have more ranked teams than us. The Mountain West, gentlemen.



Fear not, my liege. I have vanquished their mightiest batallion!




Who? BYU?




Better! Morgan State! Not so mighty now...




Knight, Morgan State isn't even on our competitive level, let along the MWC.




Well...they are still a mighty foe from the West, yes?




They're from Maryland.




Well...I did vanquish them. I don't vanquish so often these days so...I cherish my vanquishes when they do happen.




Alright, so if we're done here, I gotta...



Done here? We're not done. We haven't solved anything. Our conference is in ruins, Knight is raving about beating some team no one's ever heard of and my reservations at the Phoenix Marriott Grand are useless now.




Hey, you can still play in the Insight Bowl.




Maybe YOU can play in the Insight Bowl.




That's be nice, actually. Thanks.




Maybe YOUR nice.




That's very sweet, thank you.




FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! I've lost the ability to insult others as well. This is horrible.




Don't worry you guys, I'll be fine. I'll totally put up a good fight against whichever mid-tier ACC team I play in the bowl game.



But you're probably going to a BCS game. You're gonna play someone like Florida or Georgia or USC.




...Poopy.



[Otto enters]

You find it?





Otto find pretty lady sleeping.





Ahh....haha...yeah, my, date...




Nice work, Pantera. Who's the biddy?




She like ketchup a lot!





What do you mean, Otto?




She went sleepytime after ketchup fight! Heeheehee!





Yeah, you guys know, ketchup fights! Huge in Norway. Otto, let's chat-




Otto take photo!





Shit, Otto, no!




Look!





Holy shit, you killed a hooker?




Not exactly!




Not again...




Was she Jewish or something?




Was she WHAT? What, you hate Jews too?




HELLOOOO... West. Virginia.




Not exactly? How is that not exactly you killing a hooker?



Look, tonight was a big win for us, ever since the whole Bowling Green thing and all, so we were just having a good time. Then she wanted some blow, I only had a little bit of a stash left, she got angry...I blacked out. Next thing I know she's....you know...and I'm late.



The black shroud of demonry envelops us.




Ask Mr. I Don't Get No Respect Even Though I Can't Beat A Somewhat-Good Conference USA Team over there about when the black shroud enveloped us.




We DON'T get any respect! I thought I and all of my fans made that clear!




And you'll continue to.




Hey guys...dead hooker in Panther's hotel room. Kindof an issue.




Fuckin' A. Alright, let's go over and get rid of the body. Then we'll make a blood pact to never tell anyone.




What about Providence Friar?





ESPECIALLY not him. So fucking preachy.




I'm scared, you guys...




It's alright, we're gonna get through all this...the losses, the hit to our national reputation, the lack of bowl-eligible teams, the hooker murder...we're gonna get through it all...together.



Sha-mother-la-fuckin-la-la. Let's go!




[Everyone leaves, except for Husky]


Okay sweeties, I'll be right there...



[Wipes bloody knife on fur, places it in Panther's gym bag]


All part of the plan...Mwahahahahahaha....





You can find records of the previous Octonion meetings below:
Enter the Octonion, Part I
Enter the Octonion, Part II
As the Octonion Turns
Octonion Strikes Back
Octonion Forever
Octonion: Reloaded
The Octonioning
Octonion of Solace