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Why We Lost to Dayton: One man's journey to explain a loss with blame and hate

We lost to Dayton. That is a fact. The real question, however, is WHY we lost. Did we lose because we couldn't hit a 3-point shot? No. Did we lose because our offense is not very good? No. Did we lose because our team has a rotation that is not very deep? No. We lost because Dayton is evil and so are the refs.

Let me explain.

Through back-alley journalism I have determined that Dayton's team color is red. Red, as we all know, is the color of Hell itself. Knowing that other teams that have red in their uniform are from Hell itself (Louisville Cardinals, Arizona Cardinals, St. Louis Cardinals, the Baldwinsville Bees, Russia, my cousins little league team...) then we can use deductive logic to determine that Dayton is from Hell itself. Observe:

Premise 1: All teams from Hell have red in their uniforms.

Premise 2: Dayton has red in their uniform.

Premise 3: Teams would not willingly put red in their uniform.

Conclusion: Dayton is from Hell.

"But FabMeloVsDoorFrame," says the doubter, "how do we know all of those premises?" First of all, shut up.

Moving on to Hell itself, we know that Hell is the place where bad things come from because thats what my Grandma told me. Grandma FabMeloVsDoorFrame does not lie. Ever.

With Grandma's science and my logic on our side, how then can we determine that:

A- The refs are also evil.

B- That this contributed to the loss.

Never fear, I will extrapolate the data and explain it to you simpletons.

We know that the refs are evil because they called the foul on Trevor Cooney. What foul? The flagrant foul. That was not just an ordinary call. Not only did they call a foul that is bogus, rules be damned (Oh wait, they already are. They're from Hell too. I'll touch on that in my book.), but they also called in a-bazillion seconds late. Watch the replay, you will count to a-bazzillion before the foul is called. What happened is this:

1- Cooney catches the ball.

2- Cooney switches sides the ball is on. While doing so he see's the defender impeding his "freedom of movement" (thanks Jay Bilas) and raises his arms even higher to try and avoid an elbow to the face because he is decent.

3- Things happen on the court.

4- A-bazzilion seconds

5- Foul called

This sequence, followed by Lord Grant being slapped in the face and no foul being called despite he being in the act of shooting and having to check for blood, leads me to conclude that the refs also came from Hell.

Hell is tricky. Hell may be a place where demons come from and Satan resides but it also has magic powers. Behold, Dayton shoots and makes 3-bazzillion three-point shots while Syracuse lost points every time they shot from behind the arc. Those magic powers were cloaked to only the most learned viewer, namely me.

This all boils down to the final though, did this all contribute to the loss. The answer is: duh. Syracuse is God's chosen team. It doesn't matter your religion either. Zeus bleeds Orange. Shiva is super Syracuse. Buddah loves Cuse. Richard Dawkins is practically Otto the Orange. So if we have the powers of good on our side then how do we ever lose? The answer is demons. Demons in the form of basketball players rise from the ground, kill our opponents teams, pretend they are the basketball players, and then use magic powers when it looks like we will still win because we are so superior. And we are good so we don't stoop to their level of magic powers to win (an infamous incident with the Football team at Auburn aside).

Dayton should be thankful Tyler the Creator, the Cooney Family, and the Holiday are so decent and good.

And their mascot is a verb. Come on. Ours is at least a noun. Wait. No... crap. Theirs is a noun. And ours is an adjective.

Oh wait, thats right. Brilliant, good, and fabulous are also adjectives. Demons, hell, and satan are all nouns.

I rest my case.

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