Ladies and gentlemen, we've got ourselves a good ol' fashion football kicker arrest!
Syracuse suspended kicker Ryan Norton for its game against Wake Forest after he was arrested last Friday morning.
"Ryan Norton has been suspended for Syracuse's game against Wake Forest due to a violation of team rules," Syracuse head coach Scott Shafer said in a statement. "He will return for the following game."
And now, i present to you what might be my favorite sentence of all time:
According to the document, Norton was approached by officers after he was observed with an open 24-ounce can of Bud Light near Acropolis Pizza and, when approached, told officers, "I'm not going anywhere."
Not included in the document was, upon hearing Norton's ultimatum, the owner of the Acropolis immediately ducked under the counter and closed the saloon doors as Norton engaged in a Matrix-style showdown with police, who may or may not have been cyborgs.
@NunesMagician I would like to see a bullet-point analysis of all of the bad decisions described in that story.— Louis Milman (@ljmilman) October 30, 2013
Done and done, Louis.
1. Drinking Bud Light.
2. Hanging out in front of Acropolis "Friday morning," which is the classy name for 1am on Thursday night.
3. Telling police officers, who presumably have loaded guns in their possession, "I'm not going anywhere."
4. Running from said police officers to Waverly Avenue.
5. Pushing said officers while running away from them.
6. Refusing to do whatever those officers requested that he do.
7. Saying sorry while not actually being sorry.
8. Putting the Syracuse kicking game entirely in the hands of Riley Dixon and ensuring that the game will come down to Dixon attempting a 45-yard field goal to beat Wake Forest.
9. Seriously, drinking Bud Light.
10. Misunderstanding the hard-nosed ethos altogether.