FanPost

When Otto Met 8-Ball (NSFW Fan Fic)

One afternoon Otto the Orange decided to take a walk through Thornden Park. Obviously this isn't that great of an idea in the first place, but as he would soon find out, his choice would put him face to face with an unwelcomed visitor.

Large_caught_061202_otto_medium

/hums Miley Cyrus' "Wrecking Ball" or something that's somehow played at every weekend party on campus

(suddenly a paw taps Otto on his shoulder)

Clemson_tiger_medium

HEY HEY HEY LISTEN YOU GOTTA HELP ME MAN I'M F***ING BUGGING OUT MAN OH S*** OH S*** YOU GOTTA HELP.

Large_caught_061202_otto_medium

/jumps

Who the hell are you?

Clemson_tiger_medium

HEY MAN I'M 8-BALL I'M HERE FOR THE WEEKEND FOR LIKE THE 20 CLEMSON PARENTS WHO DECIDED TO TAKE THE TRIP AND I DON'T MEAN TRIPPING BALLS THEY AIN'T THAT EXTREME LIKE ME BUT YEAH THEY FORCE ME TO COME UP TO THIS S*** LIKE I EVER WANT TO BE IN SYRACUSE OR CHESTNUT HILL BUT HEY AT LEAST THE CHEERLEADERS ARE NICE TO ME AND LET ME GET THROUGH MY ALLOCATED FOUR AND A HALF HOUR MANDATORY SOBER PERIOD EVERY SATURDAY AND I'M LIKE...

Large_caught_061202_otto_medium

Okay, what do you want? Do you want my money? I just gave it to that guy on Marshall Street a few minutes ago so I can't really help you.

Clemson_tiger_medium

NAH MAN I'M IN SERIOUS S*** MAN I DECIDED TO WALK UNDER THAT I-81 UNDERPASS BECAUSE YOU KNOW UNDERPASSES ARE A GREAT PLACE FOR DEALS AND I DON'T MEAN FOR CLOTHING OR ANYTHING I MEAN FOR GRADE-A COLOMBIAN COCAINE AND S*** AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT I'D BE GETTING CONSIDERING YOU GUYS SAY YOU'RE NEW YORK'S TEAM BUT I DON'T SEE NO F***ING STATUE OF LIBERTY YOU KNOW I DRESSED UP LIKE HER ONE TIM...

Large_caught_061202_otto_medium

Your point?

Clemson_tiger_medium

OH YEAH SO APPARENTLY SOMEONE TOOK MY COCAINE OR SOME S*** OR I DROPPED IT YEAH I DROPPED IT SO MAN YOU GOTTA HELP ME OUT MAN I'M TOTALLY BUGGING OUT RIGHT NOW I DON'T KNOW HOW I CAN SURVIVE OUTSIDE MY NATURAL SOUTHERN CLIMATE WITHOUT THAT COKE AND I DON'T MEAN COCA-COLA AND HOLY S*** YOUR LEAVES CHANGE COLOR THAT'S FREAKIN' MIND BLOWING.

Large_caught_061202_otto_medium

Gee... I'm, uhh, not gonna be able to help you out with this...

Clemson_tiger_medium

WAIT A SEC... WAIT A SEC... I REMEMBER YOU NOW! OH MAN, I MADE SOME CRAZY DEALS WITH MY COUSINS TO SCORE SOME COKE AND NO NOT A LAME TWO DOLLAR SODA I'M TALKING COCAINE HERE THROUGH THE YEARS TO SCREW YOU OVER.

Large_caught_061202_otto_medium

Wait... what?

Clemson_tiger_medium

YEAH YEAH LAST YEAR I TRIED TO MAKE A DEAL WITH MY COUSIN TRUMAN, YOU KNOW HE'S NAMED AFTER A PRESIDENT BUT F*** HIM HE'S INTO THAT METH S*** IN MISSOURI THAT S***'S F***ED UP I MEAN I MAY BE ADDICTED TO COCAINE SURE BUT I DRAW THE LINE ON METH I'M SCARFACE I AIN'T NO JESSE PINKMAN HEY BY THE WAY DID YOU WATCH THE BREAKING BAD FINALE THIS PAST WEEK HOLY S*** I WAS SOOO STRESSED THOSE FINAL 15 MINUTES WHEN (/spoilers)

Large_caught_061202_otto_medium

So Truman...

Clemson_tiger_medium

OH YEAH HE WAS SUPPOSED TO RUIN YOUR BOWL BID LAST YEAR WHEN I MADE HIM ADD YOU ON YOUR SCHEDULE LAST MINUTE AND S*** I CONVINCED HIM AS LONG AS I GOT A NICE PAYDAY IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN AND I DON'T MEAN METH I MEAN MONEY AND THAT MONEY WOULD'VE GONE TO MY S*** BUT YEAH SO APPARENTLY HE FORGOT BECAUSE I MEAN LETS FACE IT MY COUSIN DROPS TROPHIES AND S*** WHILE I'M DROPPING ACID HAHA I'M QUITE THE COMEDIAN AND YEAH HE LET YOU GUYS WIN SO I GOT THE LAST LAUGH THERE AND WHATNOT.

Large_caught_061202_otto_medium

So your plan didn't work.

Clemson_tiger_medium

OH NO BUT OTHER TIMES THEY DID. LISTEN US TIGER COUSINS HAVE A VAST NETWORK. I TOTALLY SEE MY ENGLISH COUSIN DOING CRAZY S*** WITH BRITISH BEER FOR HULL CITY'S OPPONENTS AND HEY THEY'RE TOP HALF OF THE EPL TABLE WHATEVER THE F*** A TABLE IS I JUST USE THEM FOR SNORTING COCAINE OFF THEM BUT THOSE EUROPEANS AND THOSE SOCCER GUYS SURE ARE NUTS HELL THEY CALL IT FOOTBALL LIKE WHAT KIND OF S*** IS THAT FOOTBALL'S FOOTBALL THAT'S SOCCER

Large_caught_061202_otto_medium

Mhmm.

0219cubaseball133_t607_medium

BUT YEAH I'M WAAYYYYY CLOSER WITH MY AMERICAN COUSINS. OKAY MY COUSIN PAWS HE'S IN DETROIT AND I MEAN THAT KINDA BLOWS AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE GOOD STUFF I'M SAYING IT PRETTY MUCH SUCKS LIVING IN A BANKRUPT CITY BUT HEY I TOLD HIM IF HE NEEDS SOMEBODY TO REPLACE MIGGY IN THE ALDS THIS WEEKEND I CAN COME IN ANY TIME BECAUSE YOU KNOW THOSE 1986 METS WON THE WORLD SERIES ON COCAINE SO I CAN TOO BATTER UP MOTHER F***ERS

Large_caught_061202_otto_medium

Well, if you insist...

Clemson_tiger_medium

AND THEN SOMETIMES I HIT UP MY COUSIN DOWN IN LOUISIANA HE'S MIKE HE'S KINDA BORING BUT HE'S NEAR NEW ORLEANS SO SOMETIMES I SNEAK IN A TRIP TO THE FRENCH QUARTER WHEN I TELL HIM I'M JUST GOING TO THE NEARBY CHICK-FIL-A AND OHHH MAN HE GETS SOOO MAD AT ME WHEN I COME HOME WITH TWO CRACK WHORES AND..

Large_caught_061202_otto_medium

Okay so how do you guys make Syracuse lose again?

Clemson_tiger_medium

OH YEAH RIGHT I'M SURE YOU KNOW MY COUSIN FROM JERSEY WHO'S REALLY RICH AND REALLY SMART AND REALLY HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER ON ME RIGHT CAUSE YOU PLAY THAT STUPID NET STICK GAME RIGHT I'M SURE I SAW YOU ONE TIME ON MY TV DURING A MEMORIAL DAY COOKOUT AND I DON'T MEAN FOOD I MEAN COCAINE

Large_caught_061202_otto_medium

So lacrosse and I take it you're talking about the Princeton Tiger. Yeah, we occasionally have truces to ruin Touchdown the Bear's life.

Clemson_tiger_medium

YEAH SO ANYWAY BACK IN LIKE THE 90S AND WHATNOT ONE TIME I WENT TO ONE OF YOUR STUPID NET STICK GAMES FOR THE NATIONAL TITLE CAUSE I GUESS THE BCS LIKES YOU GUYS OR WHATEVER MAN THAT'S LIKE THE TOTAL REVERSE OF FOOTBALL WITH THE NORTH BEING GOOD AT THAT NEXT THING YOU TELL ME YOU'VE GOT THAT HOCKEY GAME

Large_caught_061202_otto_medium

Well we don't have a men's team but yeah the North has that

Clemson_tiger_medium

HOLY S*** MIND BLOWING.. ANYHOO SOMEHOW MY CUZ FOR JUST ONE TIME WENT ON WITH ONE OF MY GREAT PLANS SO HE TOLD ME TO DISTRACT THE REFS SO PRINCETON COULD GET SOME CALLS IN THAT 2001 GAME AND IN RETURN HE'D PAY ME WITH SOME CASH WHICH I SAID I'D INVEST IN A HEDGE FUND OR WHATEVER HE TOLD ME BUT I WAS REALLY LYING I WAS SPENDING THAT ON COCAINE FOR MY SUMMER VACATION IN TIJUANA THE NEXT WEEK AND VOILA! IT WORKED, I GOT PAID, AND I GOT SO F***ING HIGH THAT NEXT WEEK I WAS LIVING ON CLOUD NINE.

Large_caught_061202_otto_medium

Umm, I don't remember seeing you there and I don't think you made that much of a difference in terms of officiating...

Clemson_tiger_medium

OH YEAH WELL THERE'S TOTALLY ONE GAME I TOTALLY RUINED FOR YOU FOREVER

Large_caught_061202_otto_medium

Pfft, yeah, what?

Clemson_tiger_medium

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS, B****

8ballwithpatdye_zpsc7b4588d_medium

Large_caught_061202_otto_medium

/gasps

Clemson_tiger_medium

THAT'S RIGHT YOU SEE MY COUSIN AUBIE GAVE ME A FIELD PASS FOR THE 1988 SUGAR BOWL AND I WAS THE ONE WHO TOLD PAT DYE TO HAVE AUBURN KICK A FIELD GOAL AND THAT RUINED EVERYTHING FOR YOU AND AWAY GOES YOUR NATIONAL TITLE CHANCES AHAHAHAHA AND THEN BECAUSE OF THAT I DEMANDED THAT AUBIE GIVE ME A CUT OF THOSE SUGAR BOWL PAYOUTS AND YOU KNOW A FEW DEATH THREATS HERE AND THERE AND BOOM I HAD MY COKE SUPPLY ON CRUISE CONTROL THOSE NEXT 9 MONTHS BEFORE YOU KNOW I HAD A LITTLE MISHAP AND THE COPS RAIDED MY PLACE AND POOR OLD 8-BALL HAD TO YOU KNOW FIND NEW AVENUES FOR IT AND STUFF.

Large_caught_061202_otto_medium

You... you b******. You know what, I'm gonna call the cops on you.

Clemson_tiger_medium

WAIT NO NO OH MY GOD OH MY GOD NOOO NOOOO S*** S*** WHAT HAPPENS IF CLEMSON GOES TO THE TITLE GAME OH S*** IF WE DON'T CLEMSON IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN AND WE DO THINGS THAT ARE GOOD I CAN'T GO TO LA IF I'M IN JAIL AND IT'S MY LIFELONG DREAM TO BE TRADING THAT GOOD SHIT IN THOSE MOTHER F***ING COMPTON STREETS TO QUOTE DOCTOR DRE HE WAS MORE INTO WEED BUT I'D F*** WITH THAT AND OHHH MAN YOU'D TOTALLY BE RUINING MY LIFELONG DREAM IF YOU DO THAT S*** MAN TOTALLY NOT COOL

Large_caught_061202_otto_medium

Well you ruined mine, so consider this some payback.

Oh, and see you Saturday!

/8-Ball runs away in a very paranoid state

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