Doug Marrone has closed Syracuse Orange football spring practice to the media and fans indefinitely. And so while we can't know for sure what's happening on the gridiron, we can certainly make it up.
Below is a fake account of what's going on at spring practice. Of course, there's a chance all of this is true, so you might as well presuppose it.
Previous Fake Practice Report (March 26) here.
QB - Not much was accomplished Thursday on the quarterback front as what was supposed to be a team-building exercise of each QB getting to know the others' names derailed the entire day.
"Terrel with one L? That doesn't make any sense. The potato chip bag says Terrell. You calling the potato chip bag a liar?"
"Broyld? It's Broiled. Who the hell spells that with a Y?"
"Speaking of why, why is your last name Nassib? You sure don't look like a Nassib."
"Kinder? What are you, German? Were you grown in a lab in Brazil?"
"No one spells Charley like that. Not Charlie Chan. Not Charlie Chocolate Factory. No one!"
RB - Unable to decide which of his running backs should top the depth chart, Tyrone Wheatley decided to take a new approach. Prince-Tyson Gulley, Jerome Smith, Adonis Ameen-Moore and Steve Rene were each given a mystery box with four ingredients that they had to use to create a dish judged on taste, visual appeal and creativity. Those ingredients were arugula, Rocky Mountain oysters, year-old Brockway falafels and "determination."
Wheatley was unimpressed with all dishes and has returned to judging all running backs based on football-related abilities.
Making things even more awkward...it was during the Oklahoma Drill.
TE - Louie Addazio just won't shut up about how his Dad is the coach at Temple and how he can hook every body up when Syracuse plays them this year and not to worry cause he thinks he can totally talk his Dad into letting him score a couple touchdowns.
OL - Doug Marrone broke his own personal yelling record when he yelled at every member of the starting offensive line unit for 47 consecutive minutes. Congratulations to all parties.
DL - Remembering what it did for Mikhail Marinovich last year, Brandon Sharpe has taken to growing an old timey mustache. He's already created a @SharpeStache account on Twitter and the website SharpeStacheForHeisman.edu.uk.
LB - Dyshawn Davis told coaches that he may have inadvertently killed a walk-on during tackling drills, though he was unable to identify which one and coaches were unable to figure out who it might have been as well since they don't keep records on such personnel. Just in case, two more walk-ons were released from the Manley Field House basement, given uniforms and told to roam the field, blissfully unaware of what horrors awaited them.
DB - Joe Nassib just won't shut up about how his brother is the quarterback and how he can hook every body up with passes to Big East Media Day and not to worry cause he thinks he can totally talk his brother into sneaking a couple lobsters back to the hotel room.
K/P - Scary moment when Ryan Lichtenstein was briefly annexed by Clay Cleveland. The coup was ultimately thwarted when it was realized that both were human beings and not countries and/or cities as their names might suggest and that even if they were, the idea of Cleveland annexing a country is absurd.
Coaches - Scott Shafer told defenders on Thursday that instead of playing for The Bone, a trophy given to whoever has the hardest hits in that week's game, they would be competing for The Slipper, given to the player with the best post-sack dance. Bonus points are to be given to any player who does an elaborate dance while Syracuse is down by 20 or more points. Scott Shafer rewards boldness.