You're Making Me Cross the Hudson River? On Purpose?: Syracuse and the Big City Classic

Remember when I used to write a lot of stuff on this site? Yeah, me neither.

In case you didn't know -- and judging by the site stats, you're totally clueless and happily so -- Syracuse is headed to beautiful 1 New Jersey 2 this weekend to play Duke in what has become a gigantic game for the Orange. 3 It's the Big City Classic 4, and if you don't attend it on Sunday -- a tripleheader of hot lingerie lacrosse accompanied by lacrosse players dancing the tango! 5 -- you're going to be abducted by the government for sporting interest re-education. 6 You could also watch it on ESPN3 and ESPNU if you really wanted to.

The Orange are a bit of a tire fire right now 7, sitting at 4-3 on the year and 1-1 in the Big East Conference. Things haven't been easy for your 11-time national champion 8, with problems existing at the face-off dot, on the man-up, and generally anything to do with possessing the ball and put it in the back of the net. 9 That doesn't mean, however, that you shouldn't pony up the cash for a pretty reasonably priced ticket -- you can get into MetLife Stadium for as low as $25 (it costs even less if you have friends and stuff) -- and watch six pretty good teams clobber each other for just over seven hours. That's a heck of a bargain, friend, and the Orange could really use your support this weekend. 10

Over at College Crosse -- a site that I have driven into the ground with aplomb -- I put together some profiles of the six Division I teams that will play in the tripleheader. If you want to get your head full of all kinds of important information 11 before enjoying a weekend in scenic New Jersey 12, here's all the heat you need 13 (click on the team names for their profile):

  • St. John's Red Storm: The local outfit. 14 They know the lay of the land. 15 Will play Notre Dame at 1:00.
  • Notre Dame Fighting Irish: Proprietor of one of the meanest and nastiest defensive units in the country. Currently ranked sixth in the country in both human polls, there is a bit of a chance that St. John's could catch them napping and pull off the upset. 16
  • Duke Blue Devils: Rolling out one of the stronger offensive units in the land, Duke prefers lacrosse played with jetpacks rather than via trench warfare. 17 The Devils will provide a tough test for Syracuse when the two square off at 4:00.
  • Syracuse Orange: The sexiest lacrosse team ever assembled, scientists have hypothesized that the team's sexiness may be a contributing factor to the team's offensive difficulties. 18 The Orange will need a heroic effort at the dot to try and stay square with Duke on Sunday.
  • North Carolina Tar Heels: Potentially destructive offense; potentially self-destructive defense. The Heels will face number one Johns Hopkins 19 in the nightcap at 6:30.
  • Johns Hopkins Blue Jays: Icky. 20

So, it's settled: I'll see you all in the parking lots on Sunday. 21 We'll all have a beer together and remember the good times, like when I danced the dance of triumph at Gillette Stadium just a few short years ago. 22

1 That's a lie.

2 Is that really a place? I doubt it. Maps are notorious liars.

3 Like, gigantic in the "This is really important!" sense; not literally gigantic. The Big City Classic isn't making all the players play in DK Mode or anything. (As far as I know.)

4 Welcome to America's greatest city: New York City, New Jersey! Visit the Chamber of Commerce! (Which doesn't exist.)

5 That's probably a lie. I'm confirming with my sources, though.

6 This totally isn't a lie. You don't know what the government knows, man! They're following us! (My dragon confirms this.)

7 Some anthropologists are surmising that Syracuse is currently a dumpster fire, but there is definitely a debate about this that is going to take a few years until resolution is finally made.

8 INCITING JOHNS HOPKINS FANS: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED!

9 I forgot what I was going to write in this footnote.

10 Like, more than Facebook-type support, which is usually just, "I heard your dog was sick and it makes me sad. Call me!" You know, real human support that makes you engage with other humans. (Weird, I know.)

11 That's probably a lie. There's nothing important in the information I've provided. Except, of course, the secrets of man being revealed!

12 Again, totally a lie.

13 That's probably a lie. All the links that follow are to hamburger menus.

14 Queens is in New Jersey? Well, I'll be. . . .

15 Again, New Jersey probably isn't a real place. There's no land to know the lay of.

16. St. John's has a better chance at being shut down due to a nasty outbreak of diseases formerly dormant in dorm-issued silly putty than the Red Storm beating Notre Dame.

17They're one of College Crosse Industries, Ltd.'s biggest clients!

18 That is probably a lie, although the research has only beared out inconclusive results thus far.

19 Boooo!

20 Id.

21 I'm pretty sure that's the day the music died.

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