If you're coming to New York City for the Pinstripe Bowl, you're probably a huckleberry from points other than, well, New York City. As New York City residents, let Hoya Suxa and Aaron Goldfarb clue you in on what to do, what not to do, and how not to totally piss all of us New Yorkers off as you gallivant about town in your not-from-here slack-jawed way.
It can be tough to get around New York City. There are, like, lots of buildings and streets and invisible Rutgers fans that make it difficult to navigate where you are at any given moment in existence. Combine all of this with millions of people and cabbies that have as their Manifest Destiny to run down all those millions of people -- not to mention invisible Rutgers fans -- and you start to get the idea that getting around town, especially during the holidays, can be a real pain in the ass.
Luckily, we're here to help you get to and from Yankee Stadium without ending up in Staten Island (unless you like hanging out with all of our trash (tangible and personal)). Here's what we recommend you do in terms of transit, and also what your hick upstate uncle may suggest (and what should be summarily ignored):
YOUR HICK UPSTATE UNCLE RECOMMENDS
People say you can't drive your car in The City (they always arrogantly called it "The City," as if there ain't another one--have you been to Buffalo?!). But a' course you can drive your car in The (stupid) City. You just need the courage of an upstater, not the cowardly elitism of downstate life. Honk your horn like you mean business. Let the guy behind you see the hanging balls dangling from your hitch. And if any one gives you the business, tilt your thumb behind your head and let 'em know, "My vanity plate says all that needs to be said: S MY D." You can also park in The City too. And I don't mean that B.S. $15 per hour garage rate you can't even Jew down. F that. There's plenty of open spots in front of fire hydrants. Roll the dice and thank me later.
HOYA SUXA RECOMMENDS
If you're driving a car around New York you are 10 kinds of stupid. You see, we have this thing here called "mass transportation"; you may have heard about it on the news as it always breaks. There are busses and trains and these cars called taxis -- the best ones are the unlicensed ones that kidnap you for ransom money -- that take you all around town with the only price being American currency. (Amazing, right?) Probably the easiest -- and cheapest -- way to get to Yankee Stadium is the 4 train from Manhattan (look at a map, college boy; it's the one that runs up the east side of Manhattan and is denoted with a big green circle with a four in the center) which drops you off at 161 St.-Yankee Stadium. If you're coming to the building from somewhere else, you're shit out of luck. That's the only piece of mass transportation in New York that goes to Yankee Stadium (other than the B, D, Metro-North (if it's running) and some busses that are full of diseases and people that are really anxious to tell you about their medical conditions).
If you're hell bent on driving to Yankee Stadium, you are dumb. First of all, you'll spend the better part of your day driving around The Bronx looking for parking, which has its own sense of impossibility (pertinently, it's difficult to park your car after having been stabbed through your window by a nogoodnik). Second, if you leave your car in The Bronx you implicitly ascribe the hippie commune that dominate The Bronx: You car is The Bronx's car, which means that you'll be making a Christmas donation of your tires, hub caps, radio, or car in totem to a soul that deems it necessary for his or her continued existence. Also, if you were looking for a new paint job for your sweet Subaru Outback -- a graffiti'd "Ain't No Shit," for instance -- you can get that for free as well if you choose to drive your car to Yankee Stadium.
Take the train, morons. Either that or FedEx yourself from wherever you are to the building, postage due to a Steinbrenner. Or engage in the longest iteration of leapfrog with your friends, starting in Union Square and heading north in hoppy fashion. Or whatever.
AARON GOLDFARB RECOMMENDS
The subway is obviously the best way to get north/south and city buses are solid for east/west travel amongst old farts, but here are the five most hayseed ways to avoid getting around town:
5. Hansom cab -- Nothing says romance like sitting with your lady love behind a nag's shit bag in the final few months before he's made into Jell-o.
4. Gypsy cab -- There are certain unregistered livery vehicles that take careful loops around the city, simply waiting to see a group of fanny-packers, just so they can pull over and say, "Need a ride to Union Square? How's $50 sound?"
3. Normal cab, while sober -- It's interesting that cabs are often most useful when you are least soberful. Only take a cab late at night and when you're drunk. The streets will be emptier and you'll be less in the mood to deal with the subway. Plus, only does a drunk person think they're rich enough to carelessly spend 20 bucks to go a few miles.
2. Double-decker tour bus -- If you ride this giant dumpster on wheels through areas you could easily walk, you'll quickly learn that everything in New York is something worth craning your neck at.
1. Pedicab -- Yes, that sinewy Eastern European just loves peddling your fat ass a distance you could easily walk.
Hoya Suxa (@HoyaSuxa) ruins things for everyone at College Crosse. Aaron Goldfarb (@AaronGoldfarb) is the author of How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide and The Cheat Sheet. This is a rare lucid and sober moment for both of them.