The Syracuse University Career Fair is tomorrow. Thousands of SU students will gather in the Dome, resumes in hand, sweating profusely as they attempt to secure the job their parents have been pushing them towards for years. It's a hugely important day and every single person will want to bring their very best to the recruiting table.
Apparently Otto The Orange will be at the Career Fair, presumably looking for a new job (???). His resume found its way online and, considering all the joy and good humor Otto has provided to us over the years, it's only fair that we repay him by providing constructive criticism on his resume.
Written resume with off-kilter fonts? Unless you're going to work for the Cleveland Cavaliers, this isn't going to fly, Otto. There are, like, hundreds of computers on campus. Type it up.
Name, check. Email, check. Facebook page? Is that what you really want the HR reps at Proctor & Gamble looking at? I've seen your Facebook page, Otto. There's a photo of you in a trash bin up top. This is what you're leading with. Come on.
BTW, where's your phone number? I assume it's 444-4444, but, give employers every chance to reach you.
So let me get this straight, Otto. You would like a company at the Career Fair to look at your resume in a stack full of SU student resumes, see that you have absolutely no plans to ever graduate, and then hire you? GET REAL, OTTO.
And between you and me, when they release the list of "Highest Paying College Majors," I can tell you that Orange-ology isn't on them. Trust me, I know. I'd recommended switching to Speech Comm but you can't speak.
Otto, look, I think you have great experience. You obviously have the ability to multi-task and an eagerness to grow and move up the corporate ladder. My issue is, well, quite frankly, your ethics.
You're an orange. You are a giant orange. Orange Julius, Simply Orange, Minute Maid and Tropicana...these are companies that mass-produce oranges, pick them, throw then into bins, squeeze them, lets their cold juices run into vats, process it and then sell that juice to consumers. Do you see my concern here, Otto? I'm recommending you see a psychologist because I honestly think you have some self-hate issues that you need to work out. Until then, I just can't see you becoming a trainee in the Enterprise Rent-A-Car Management Program.
Making people happy and enthusiasm are great. They're valuable skills to have in any office environment. My concern is with all the somersaulting, head-spinning and dancing. These kinds of activities are frown upon by most insurance companies and deem you a very high-risk employee for a corporate setting.
Not to mention...what about MS Office? How is your Microsoft Access experience? Do you know what Total Quality Management is? How familiar are you with CMS tools? I feel like I'm not getting a well-rounded sense of what you've been studying at Syracuse University for the past thirty years.
Accenture. Amazon.com. Deloitte. General Electric. JP Morgan Chase. These are the kinds of companies that are going to be at the Career Fair. Do you really think that you're going to find employment with any of them with your head-spinning experience (Well, JP Morgan Chase, perhaps)?
You really need to think about what you want to do with the rest of your life, which, considering you're a sentient fruit, seems to be an unknown and unforeseeable amount of time. I think it might be time to take Econ 101. And at the very least, you might want to discuss the time you beat the crap out of the Penn State mascot. Very topical.