So, in reality -- reality meaning not the Internet -- I have a job. That job requires me to carry lots of responsibility, even though I should not be trusted with knives and forks, nevermind people's careers and half-million dollar accounts.
And yet, here we are.
The problem with this job is that it really cuts into my dicking around time. I usually use this dicking around time to write nonsense on the Internet, mostly because it pisses off my Mom that people actually read said nonsense. So, because I have limited dicking around time, you're getting limited dick jokes today. Apologies and whatnot.
Catch up on all the profiles you may have missed by clicking this fancy blue text. Also, if you're especially displeased with this entry, go ahead and send my boss a basket of coal and frowny faces written on used napkins.
PLAYER: Ross Krautman
HOMETOWN: Don't know. I don't have time to check; too much work to do. Let's assume "America" and hedge with "Somewhere else."
HIGH SCHOOL: Sure, why not.
2010 STATS: Knocked home 18 of 19 last year with a long of 48. Not too shabby for a guy that took over for Ryan Lichtenstein in August after the returning starter got mauled by a bear or ate too many chicken wings or something. I don't know. No time to check. Tell my secretary that she's fired for being too ugly.
2011 PROJECTIONS: According to the preseason depth chart, Krautman is handling triple duty in 2011: field goal, point after attempts, and kick-offs.
Now, what I'm hearing through the grapevine (and don't go spreading this around), is that Marrone is working with Syracuse's genetic engineering department to scientifically combined Krautman's kicking leg with Ryan Lichtenstein's plant leg. He'll become a super kicker known only as Rossan Krautmanstein.
I am skeptical of this actually working, though. Otto the Orange was the genetic engineering department's first attempt at combing living things and we ended up with a horrific scientific disaster.
The former Ramapo High School standout's longest field goal was 47 yards in the season opener at Akron and his only miss was a 43-yarder at Washington.
Not bad for somebody who had one other scholarship offer, from Miami (Ohio), when he committed to Syracuse. Krautman said Rutgers "was on the edge" of offering, as was Boston College and East Carolina.
Syracuse is the ideal school for him. His older brother, Ricky, began his kicking career there before transferring to William Paterson, and the indoor conditions in the Carrier Dome are ideal for kickers.
So, good enough. Next! (And let's make it quick because these files aren't going to review themselves. Or they will. Who knows?)
WHAT DID SCOUT/RIVALS SAY?: I'll give you two guesses.
MONEY QUOTE: Basically, he really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, likes Syracuse:
Someone in admissions hire this knucklehead.
INTERESTING NUGGET O' INTEREST: This is a picture of "Ross da boss and emmerz". Adorable, even if the caption is almost English.
WHAT DOES MARRONE THINK?: Happy, I guess:
"We’re happy where we’re at with Ross, and with Rob, we’re happy with his kickoffs," he said. "Right now, it should remain status quo, unless something changes during the week."
Should Marrone put a bounty on Krautman (or Krautmanstein's) head, I'll make sure to tell you guys right away.
AN AWARD FOR DOING YOUR JOB: It's almost like Krautman is embarrassed to be receiving this award: