I DON'T WANT TO CLOSE MY EYES. . . . via assets.sbnation.com
This is a unified letter from the staffs of Casual Hoya and Troy Nunes is an Absolute Magician to BIG EAST Conference Commissioner, John Marinatto.
July 1, 2011
Commissioner John Marinatto
The BIG EAST Conference
15 Park Row West
Providence, Rhode Island 02903
RE: The BIG EAST Conference 2011-2012 Men's Basketball Schedule
Dear Commissioner Marinatto:
This correspondence is sent in reference to 2011-2012 BIG EAST Conference men's basketball home and away opponent release made available to the public on June 30, 2011. We hope that this letter reaches you in good health, as we, the undersigned, are concerned with whether you have come down with "The Stupids."
Pertinently, we, the undersigned, are distressed with the fact that our alma maters -- Georgetown University and Syracuse University -- will meet on the hardwood in BIG EAST Conference regular season action only once this season. As you are presumably unaware of the following fact, we, the undersigned, would like to make this point abundantly clear: OUR ALMA MATERS BUILT THE FREAKING CONFERENCE THAT PAYS YOU THE SALARY TO WHICH YOU ARE UNDESERVING!
We, the undersigned, are not implying that you have no sense of history, are of poor administrative vision, and lack the basic tools necessary to satisfy both your institutional partners as well as their respective alumni whose dollars ensure that the conference you head stays afloat. Nor are we implying that you maintain a generally repulsive manner of dress and likely sit in the fetal position under your desk hoping for someone else to make "big-boy-pants decisions that aren't blanketed with consistent errors."
No, we are not implying any of those facts; to do so would be fruitless for us, the undersigned, as it is so patently clear that even our learning and basketball disabled brethren at DePaul University are, like, "What the fuck is happening around here?"
Rather, the point that we, the undersigned, are making is that the BIG EAST Conference's failure to afford our alma maters the opportunity to meet twice during the BIG EAST Conference's 2011-2012 regular season appears to run afoul of the criterion the league has established for pairing opponents in home-and-home fixtures: natural interest, geography, rivalries, television contractual obligations, and competitive balance.
To this, we ask: Are you illiterate? If so, how do you not eat the baking soda that is in your refrigerator? If you are literate -- and you will know this because you are reading this correspondence and not asking someone else to read it to you -- we, the undersigned, respectfully suggest that you receive treatment for "The Stupids." You appear to be suffering from a violent case of the affliction, and we, the undersigned, worry that you may not be able to recover without competent and prompt attention.
We, the undersigned, thank you for your time and consideration in looking into this matter and trust that this occurrence will not happen again in the BIG EAST Conference's 2012-2013 regular season. If it does, we, the undersigned, reserve the right to: 1) kidnap the Texas Christian University cheerleaders that you have so graciously bestowed upon us; and 2) leave a flaming bag of human feces outside your office door until you are relieved of your duties as league commissioner for "failure to not be an imbecile."
The Staff of Casual Hoya
The Staff of Troy Nunes is an Absolute Magician
P.S. We, the now above-signed, though unified in this letter reassure you that we, the above-signed, despise one another, and immediately after signing the above exchanged nasty looks and have resumed the appropriate mutual disdain.