Syracuse Basketball Report From The Fringe Alternative Universe


So, I know it's been a rough, couple weeks for Syracuse basketball fans. An 18-0 start has devolved into a 20-6 miasma as concerns about ranking have given way to concerns about whether or not this team can do anything in the post-season at all.

But I bring you good news...

I recently ran into my old friend, Wally. We go way back to our days in the Syracuse science department when we used to conduct gene-splicing experiments on Georgetown students we've convinced to transfer to SU under the guise of higher learning. Suckers.

Anyway, he's been busy. And he's granted me the unique opportunity to peer into an alternate universe that exists parallel to ours. It's very similar but also very different. In that world, there is a North Texas and a South Texas (and presumably, North Texas is very good at football). In that world, MLK and not Andrew Jackson is on the $20 bill. In that world, Dirigible airships are a common form of transportation. In that world, the World Trade Center exists, the Statue of Liberty is golden and Madison Square Garden has been quarantined, likely due to one too many horrible St. John's seasons.

Also, Syracuse is awesome. Excuse me, I don't mean Syracuse, I mean five-time defending National Champion Syracuse. They have won the National Championship thirty-six times in the last forty years. The Syracuse Orangepeople are the true gem of NCAA basketball. Lord Jim Boeheim, head coach and United States Ambassador to the Moon, is practically royalty. Oh and Georgetown University has been "ambered" and no longer exists.

And right now, the Orangepeople (or O.P.P., as they are affectionately known), are on course for another title. Right now they are 26-0, No. 1 in the nation, No. 1 in The Great East Conference and are a veritable who's who of amazing players. Such as...

Scoop Jardine - A National Treasure, Scoop is an icon and one of the most-beloved people in America. You can't turn around without seeing "Ooh Yea That's Cold" t-shirts, featuring Scoop's catchphrase that he screams after every shot. They also dine on Scoop-O's every morning for a delicious breakfast. Known for being a cerebral assassin who never makes mental errors and always makes his teammates better, Scoop has a career in politics ahead of him.

Rick Jackson - Mr. Quadruple-Double is your reigning college basketball MVP and will almost-certainly win it again this year. His nickname comes from his current streak of averaging 30 points, 20 rebounds, 15 blocks and 10 assists a game that he's had for two years running.

Dion Waiters - The consummate, unassuming team-first player. Dion never met an assist he didn't like.

Fab Melo - Some wondered if Melo would be a one-and-done for the OPP this season. Well, he was so good he didn't even make it that far. Melo left Syracuse mid-season after putting up 30-30-30 numbers in ten games. He now plays for the Cavaliers where he is leading them to the best record in the NBA.

Mookie Jones - A defensive specialist, if only Mookie could shoot he'd be a starter. He is known for taking to Facebook and Twitter to discuss how great everything is.

Donte Greene - Syracuse senior, a solid four-year contributor who has improved his defense and shot-selection every season. He is sure to be a solid player in the NBA.

Paul Harris - Starting linebacker for the Syracuse football team. Heisman candidate.

Gerry McNamara - Former Syracuse star, part-time SU assistant coach, full-time member of the three-time defending NBA champion Scranton Bulldogs.

Eric Devendorf - King of New Zealand.

So you see, things are a little different over there.

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