Before you read on, don't say I didn't warn you that this gets pretty raunchy, like David Duchovny
in Californication style. All I can say is it was fueled by booze, boredom, and post-loss frustration.
I stand by my humorous musings, but again, don't say I didn't warn you...
In a moral quandary over what to do on Valentine's Day while the Cuse is playing?
First off, if you're in a quandary, you need to have your devotion checked.
Second, if you have had it checked and still find yourself in a predicament, this guide is for you.
Third, most specifically this is for those who will miss the game entirely, but still want to
incorporate the essence of all things Cusey into their romantic evening.
These simple pointers and suggestions will ensure that you do not forget your first love whilst
you fein attention and devotion to your non-sports-related 'soul mate'.
1) Buy her a chocolate orange. She wants chocolate, you want orange. Perfect match.
2) Eat at an establishment that features Far-Eastern cuisine. There's guaranteed to be a few dishes
that have Mandarin Orange in them.
3) Have Orange Sherbet for dessert.
4) Instead of roses, find some Queen Anne's Lace and soak them in water with orange food coloring.
(you should start this post-haste, as the more time passes before presentation, the more orange the
flowers). She'll love the effort more than anything else.
5) Every time you say "I love you," and she's not looking directly at you, mouth the word "Juli" to yourself.
6) Orange massage oils are best...as well as candles.
7) Given Victoria Secrets' modern penchant for all things collegiate, have a little role-play fun!
(If you're not a current student, decorate the bedroom like a dorm. You know, bulletin boards with
the criss-cross lace pictures-holders and the like...)
Have her dress in a UConn robe. You wait outside the room....
After a few minutes, she shrieks "HELP!".
You bust in, wearing orange spandex and your Rob Long Underoos.
"What is the matter my dear lady?!?!?!"
"Woe is me! Someone stole my laptop!"
"Don't worry, Missy, I found it!"
You then hand her a laptop.
"Oh, my hero! I will forever be a Syracuse fan now!"
She rips off the robe to reveal a Cuse-themed bra and thong.
You then do it.
8) Doggy style is preferable, because then you can put an Otto sticker over
her tramp-stamp...unless she already has an Otto tramp-stamp...which means you're a lucky
man and you don't need any of my help.
9) When things really heat up, and you're trying to focus so as not to climax early, imagine the
sound is really an opponent's point guard repeatedly dribbling the ball trying desperately to
find someone to pass the ball to in the zone. This should buy you 35 seconds. After that, you have
to imagine the opponent getting the rebound and a fresh clock, because the idea of AO getting the board
and Johnny & Andy executing a run-out is too intense to handle without [ahem] shooting yourself.
10) Orange condoms are best. She's on the pill, you say? She's your wife, you say? You're trying to have a child, you say?
Poke a hole in it and use it anyway.
11) At this point, you should have fed her at least 5 Bacardi Orange & Vanilla Cokes. My brother invented this drink and called it "Sexual Healing." It is proven in the field of practice to lead to such things.
12) By now she should be passed out from fine cuisine, booze, chocolate, massage oils, & super-hot Otto sex.
Every part of her, spiritually and physically, should be effervescing orange.
If you've played your cards right, it's only 8pm. That means while she's comatose, you're turning on the tube
to catch the second half.
You're welcome. Happy Valentine's Day.