No. 1 - The Season Is Over
If it were up to me, I'd cancel this weekend's game against Tulane. I'd cancel every game afterward. I'd shut down the Carrier Dome, turn off the lights, puts locks on the doors and flip the "We Are Open" signs over to read "We Are Closed."
In fact, I'd bring in a construction crew and demolish the Carrier Dome. I'd sell that land to SUNY-ESF and have it reconstituted as an organic dairy farm. I would sell the milk, cheese and other foodstuffs produced on this dairy farm to a wholesale distributor in New Jersey that serves Rutgers University. I would make a tidy profit on that dairy farm and I would stick a piece of wheat in my mouth and stare off into the horizon, content with the knowledge that I was finally using the land for good.
Because, let's face it, Syracuse football is over.
I don't care that Louisville has lost to more non-BCS schools than Rutgers has scheduled in the last five years. I don't care that UConn looks horrible. I don't care that Tulane is miserable. I don't care that Pitt, USF, Cincy and WVU have all looked very beatable at different times this season. I DON'T CARE. It's over. Kill everything.
No. 2 - Doug Marrone Should Be Fired
AMIRITE? I mean, is there anything more logical than that?
And before you call me crazy, hear this. Nick Saban took over at Alabama and won a National Title in three years. Urban Meyer took over at Florida and won a National Title in two.
We're in Season 3 of the Doug Marrone Era and...we're losing to Rutgers? UNACCEPTABLE, HIT THE BRICKS, PAL!
What? You're gonna tell me that Nick Saban and Urban Meyer came to programs that already had 4/5-star talent and had the built-in recruiting inroads and SEC reputations to rebuild a program overnight? And Doug Marrone came into a situation where the cupboard was barer than Joe Paterno's ovaries and he had to rebuild an entire Northeastern football program from the ground up? AND I'M SUPPOSED TO CARE WHY????
Fire the bum! Oh...he turned one of the worst football programs in the nation into a bowl team in two seasons? SHOULD HAVE DONE IT IN ONE.
Oh...he led Syracuse for their first win over Rutgers since 2004 and first win over West Virginia since 2001? SHOULD BE UNDEFEATED RIGHT NOW.
Oh...he took the team to a bowl game for the first time since 2004 and is already halfway to taking them to back-to-back bowl games since 1999? SHOULD HAVE SEVEN NATIONAL TITLES BY NOW.
HAS HE WON A NATIONAL TITLE YET? NO? CASE F***ING CLOSED! FIRE HIM!
No. 3 - Ryan Nassib Should Be Benched
I mean, obviously. Everybody knows the rule. "Whenever a quarterback goes through a rough patch, no matter how good he is or how well he's been playing or how much he's put the team on his back, it is ALWAYS smarter to bench him and replace him with an long-time, untested, back-up quarterback who has never seen meaningful action and never show any legitimate ability to outplay the starter." OBVIOUSLY.
I mean, we all saw the Patriots-Bills game last week. Tom Brady threw four interceptions? The Patriots should have benched him and then cut him after the game. That would have been the logical, smart decision.
A rare miss, Belichick.
Look, don't try to tell me Ryan Nassib has played great all season. Don't try to tell me that he's really stepped up to become a team leader. Don't try to tell me that he's one of the most accurate passers in the nation right now or that he's single-handidly kept the Orange in many of those games they won this year. Don't tell me that he has to deal with an offensive line that's still shaky and wide receivers that seem to enjoy dropping passes.
Don't bother. I saw what happened against Rutgers. He should be benched. Cut, preferably. Rather use that scholarship on another linebacker, to be honest. But if you want to keep him on the bench, all the better. Serves him right for having a bad game.
No. 4 - The Entire Roster Should Be Cut
Cut'm all. Drop every single one of them from their scholarships.
Hold open tryouts, that's what I say. Let the People of Central New York try out to replace them because the People of Central New York are BLUE-COLLAR and GRITTY and TOUGH and KNOW WHAT IT TAKES and ARE SLOWLY TURNING INTO BOSTONIANS.
And that new Syracuse football team made up of Blue-Collar, Gritty Central New Yorkers should play this team of cast-offs. The new team will win 44 to -44. Guaranteed.
If it were my call, every single SU player would lose their scholarship, their housing, their car, their SUperCards and the clothes on their back. They are unworthy of them all.
Three wins in five games? UNACCEPTABLE. THEY SHOULD HAVE SIX WINS BY NOW.
No. 5 - The Basketball Team Sucks Too
Have they won a game yet? No? WAY TO LIVE UP TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS, YOU LOUSY TURDNUGGETS! Top five in the nation, my ass!
* Did I say unequivocal truths? I mean the opposite of that. If you actually do agree with any of those five things, you are a lunatic.