At some point in your adult life, you've said to yourself, "Self, if only someone would have shown me the way when I was younger, I could have just been a Syracuse fan from the get-go and life would have been so much easier."
At some point, you've looked at friends, family and even spouses and said to yourself, "Self, if only you...me...us...could have been there for this loved one and guided them towards the powers of good and away from the unbearable darkness of their being, life would have been better for them."
And if you are a parent, at some point you have looked into your child's eyes and said to yourself, "Self, if only I had the tools available to teach my little one right from wrong, up from down and orange from gray."
Self...now you can.
Coming next week (exact date TBD), Troy Nunes Is An Absolute Magician Industries is proud to announce the arrival of the brand new book...
How To Grow An Orange: 22 Steps To Brainwashing Your Child Into Becoming A Syracuse Fan
You have questions. Let me answer them.
Q: Wait, what? You wrote a book?
A: Yes. Obviously that's what I said. That was a waste of a question.
Q: Where can I use my ever-fading discretionary income to purchase it?
A: The book will be available as an e-book anywhere that such items are sold. Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Apple iPad bookstore, etc.
Q: I only shop at small, non-commercial bookstores and websites because I hate corporate America. Can I still buy the book?
A: Yes, Liberal Arts major, you will be able to buy the book online without lining the pockets of corporate fat cats.
Q: How come you didn't get the book printed or self-publish like a normal writer?
A: First of all, shut up. Second of all, it's just way easier to do it this way, cuts down on the wait time and all that other stuff. Besides, chances are if you're already reading the site, you're totally fine with just downloading an e-book. You either have a Kindle or similar device, will read it on your computer or can print the book out if you like. It'll be like reading a really long book report (Yay?).
Q: Is this what it's about to you? Cold, hard cash? Robbing good, decent people of their hard-earned money so that you can spend it willy-nilly on your Fabergé Eggs addiction?
A: Yes. Sorry if that wasn't clear from the get-go.
Q: What kind of a book is this? Brainwashing? That sounds awful and unethical.
A: It's a joke, relax. God, you take everything so friggin' seriously. The book will be a helpful guide through the history of Syracuse University athletics. We'll cover the traditions, the programs, the players, the coaches and the rivalries in a way that's easily digestible and provides you with the tools to ensure that your progeny grows up to root for Syracuse just like you.
Q: So what kind of specific topics are we talking about?
A: Well, for example, one chapter explains who the hell all of those people were who got buildings on campus named after them (including Jimmy Halloflanguages?). Another chapter delves into the history of Syracuse's greatest rivalries past and present and why the people who attend those universities are the worst people who have ever lived. Yet another chapter provides you with the correct way to name your child if you're going to name them after a Syracuse athlete or coach. Of course there's a chapter that provides the definitive story of The Greg Robinson Era (sorry to put you through that again). And another chapter explains why, if he were still alive to see it, Ernie Davis would have died from embarrassment from The Express (controversy!).
Q: Are you just cutting and pasting your lame blog posts, slapping a cover on it and calling it a book?
A: NO! Well...there will be some things from the blog in the book as well but I've done some punching up and updates to make sure it's new and fresh and hip and "for the kids." I'd say about 85% of the book is new material, 10% is "re-imagined" blog material and the remaining 5% are my thoughts on Peru's grossly-inadequate health care system.
Q: Will there by pretty pictures?
A: Well, not in the book, but there will be a cover designed by a very talented individual that isn't me. So that should narrow it down.
Q: Is this the perfect gift for Mother's Day, Father's Day, Arbor Day, Rosh Hashanna, SU Alumni, Graduating Syracuse student and Incoming Syracuse students?
A: YES, YES, OH MY GOD YES!!!
More to come during the week and I'll try to lock down a day next week ASAP once I've got my ducks in a row. All I will say for now is...prepare yourself...