We live in a world of paradox.
On one hand, Chipotle is company that prides itself on humanely-treating the animals that will eventually grace the insides of their burritos, and in turn, your esophageal walls. They are committed to the idea of fresh, natural, organic ingredients and the idea of Food With Integrity.
On the other hand, they are evil incarnate and anyone who ingest their malevolent product is guaranteed to suffer in sin for the next 24-48 hours, most notably in any sporting or athletic event. Exhibit A. Exhibit B? I can't prove it but I'm 99% sure the SU men's lacrosse team ate carnitas just before playing Army. I can just feel it.
Since we're only now beginning to understand the demonic Chipotlogical Arts, thousands of Chipotle-related disasters that went unreported will forever be lost to the sands of time. But based on what we do know, we can begin to formulate a hypothesis. A + B = Chipotle'd.
A being the # of square miles between you and a Chipotle restaurant.
B being the act of eating Chipotle, which increases exponentially with every Chipotle within a 50 mile radius.
It's too late to prepare the teams that have already lost in the NCAA Tournament, but we can take a peak at the remaining teams and determine who will advance to the Final Four. Not because of skill, heart or determination of spirit. But due to whether or not there is a Chipotle in the strip mall down the block from campus.
Game 1 - No. 1 Virginia vs. No. 8 Stony Brook
Charlottesville is home to one Chipotle restaurant, located right the heart of the city. Pumping said heart full of carne asada-flavored pain.
While Long Island is home to six Chipotles, none are within Stony Brook by 13 miles. Not great but better than their opponent.
Winner: Stony Brook
Game 2 - No. 4 North Carolina vs. No. 5 Duke
Very little separate these two campuses. They share so many traits...including Chipotle locations.
Duke has a Chipotle practically on campus. In fact it's right down the road from the Duke Medical Center...lurking...waiting.
Things aren't much better for UNC. Chipotle Chapel Hill is nestled right off campus, also disturbingly close to a medical center.
Winner: Neither. The game will end in a 0-0 tie.
Game 3 - No. 3 Maryland vs. Notre Dame
Is there a Chipotle in College Park? You bet your ass there. Literally right off campus. This bodes unwell.
Is there a Chipotle in South Bend? You bet your ass there is. Two, actually. And so...
Winner: Maryland. Barely.
Game 4 - No. 7 Cornell vs. Army
Ithaca is GORGES. And it's Chipotle-free! Nary a burrito for miles and miles. t's time to amend the town slogan, you guys!!!
The U.S. Military Academy, knowing a thing or two about biological weapons, is also Chipotle-free. However, there's not so far that a Chipotle in PARAMUS, NJ can't reach them. DAMN YOU, PARAMUS!!!!
Winner: In the closest battle of all, Cornell.
And so, I can say with 92% certainty that the 2010 NCAA Lacrosse Final Four will be Stony Brook, EMPTY, Maryland and Cornell. Based on what we know about Chipotle locations, we can also determine that Cornell will almost certainly be your National Champion, defeating Stony Brook in a Battle Of The Chipotle-less.
Of course, the Final Four will be played in Baltimore. And that's the wild card. There are, and I wish I were kidding, TWENTY Chipotle's in the Greater Baltimore Area. As if the Final Four wasn't already a grueling test of the human condition. Now this...