One of the most hackneyed, lazy things a sport blog can do these days is the "PLAYERS/TEAMS if they were POP CULTURE THING" comparison article.
Hackneyed and lazy is what I do best. And so...
The Syracuse Basketball Season To Date As Told Through Quotations From The Hit MTV Reality Show "Jersey Shore" (Big H/T to The Vulture for compiling these wondrous quotations and fourfour for these delicious GIFs)
"I feel like this is beneath me. I'm a bartender. I do great things." —Angelina "Jolie"
For Mookie Jones, obviously. Angie has quite a high opinion of herself and her ego was no doubt bruised being surrounded by personalities much more engaging that hers. Angie let her emotions get the best of her and she left the show very quickly...hopefully Mookie learns from her mistakes.
"Holy s***, I think I've got pinkeye." —Vinnie
Andy Rautins. Not that Andy has pinkeye or is susceptible to pinkeye. I just get the sense Andy is constantly uncovering a new and exciting injury. Sometimes it's torn ACLs, other times it's a knee tweak, and other times it's a back strain. But no pinkeye...so far.
"Angelina was like a half-ass firecracker. It just fizzled out real quick and made a loud noise." —Mike "the Situation"
Early-season opponent North Carolina, who made a lot of noise because, well, they're North Carolina. But have since revealed themselves to be not-all-that-great. Not that we want to root for the Heels, but we would like them to remain respectable enough that they look good on our resume.
"Next thing you know, the grill is legit burnt. Smoke. Like flames." —Sammi "Sweetheart"
The burning of the BBQ grill looked a lot worse than it really was at The Shore, just like the Le Moyne loss. At the time, SU basketball looked like it was going up in flames. Turns out, it was just a nice reminder on the importance of keeping our eyes on the prize, or grill. And just like Syracuse should stick to zone defense and not try to play man-to-man, it's wise not to pour charcoal into a gas grill. FYI.
"That's what I like. A good guy and a jerk-off. All in the same." —Nicole "Snooki"
For our dearly departed Eric Devendorf. It hasn't been easy for The Most Hated Man In College Basketball to find gainful employment in the post-Syracuse world. But we wish him well, especially as he's got a family to support. Probably for the best not to spend too much time in Reno anyway.
"I coulda been like, you know, 'Peace, f*** you,' I'm gonna go do me and have like this wonderful summer and not think twice about you." —Jenni "J-WOWW"
Wes Johnson could have spent last season putzing around, not taking things seriously and being, you know 'Peace, f*** you' and had this like wonderful summer and not thought twice about Cuse while he waited out his transfer year. Instead, he grinded, worked hard and practiced his butt off. Thank the lord.
"You know what? You're excluded from dinner, then. You're excluded from Surf-and-Turf Night. You're excluded from Ravioli Night. You're excluded from Chicken-Cutlet Night." —Mike "the Situation"
DePaul. Seriously, can we kick them out already? I'm sick and tired of seeing them at Big East Chicken Cutlet Night. That's a special night for us. And they disrespect it with their inability to win a conference game and the fact that they're from Chicago, wherever that is.
"My hair's windproof, waterproof, soccerproof, motorcycle proof. I'm not sure if my hair's bulletproof, I'm not willing to try that." —Pauly D
Andy Rautins, obviously. And yes, his hair is bulletproof. (By the way, Andy and Pauly D would absolutely hit it off, right? Two peas in a pod. Or, two cheese filings in a ravioli, as the case may be.)
"I would give her d**k and bubble gum. I would send her a picture of my d**k and a pack of bubble gum and say, 'Chew on this!'" —Ronnie
Jim Calhoun. Dunno, just sounds like something we should do.
"I dance because it's something inside of me. I feel the beat, right? It might just so happen that my fist might pump in the air." —Vinny
Aptly describes Arinze Onuaku's free-throw shooting. He feels the beat of the free throw shooting experience. It's inside of him. It just so happens that the ball might not touch anything but air.
"Unbelievable, huh, Snooks? It's so hard to find a good man these days. That's why I date women." —Pauly D
For the SU Women's team, who have been playing at a level never before seen at this university. Respect the ladies.
"Gym, tanning, laundry. You know, that's how they, like, make the guidos." —Vinny
For Syracuse Head Athletic Trainer & Director of Rehabilitation Services Brad Pike. I don't know how much tanning is part of his own equation for turning young boys into men but he certainly has the gym part down. The laundry a.k.a. uniforms is probably something someone else handles, so...
"I'm not trying to fall in love on the Jersey Shore. I'm just trying to hook up." —Pauly D
Syracuse's OOC schedule. The Orange didn't over-think it. They just did business. They didn't go to Karma (Madison Square Garden) looking for commitment, they went to "smush" and "smush" they did. They didn't go to Headliners (Tampa) to try to find Mrs. Right. They "pounded out" Mrs. Right Now (Florida).
"You don't even look Italian, you f***." - Sammi
For pretty much everyone on the SU roster. (This is my favorite quote of the whole year. In the world of Jersey Shore, you cannot possibly say anything more insulting than that.)
"When I left Karma, I don't even know what was going on in my head. I'm gonna f***in' knock a b***h UP." —Sammi "Sweetheart"
How the Orange must have felt after the Pittsburgh loss. Cuse was dazed and knocked for a loop, just like Sammi when Ron-Ron took off to possibly make-out with J-WOWW. Cooler heads prevailed and both got back on track. For now.
"You gotta stay 'fresh to death,' I call it. Fresh outfit, fresh haircut, fresh tan. Just stay fresh." —Pauly D
For Mookie Jones, James Sutherland & DaShonte Riley. The three young'ns who aren't getting a lot of playing this year but nevertheless need to stay fresh to death in case we need them. Or at least, for next year when we'll certainly need them. I think they're all good in the tanning department, just work on those haircuts, fellas.
"I necessarily didn't want to bring back any zoo creatures whatsoever. These broads probably smelled the food at the house." —the Situation
To the less than desirable teams we've allowed to grace the Carrier Dome with their presence. Thanks for not stinking up the joint too much Columbia, Colgate, Maine, St. Francis and Oakland.
"I'm hookin' up with my girl, Pauly's hookin' up with his girl, and, uh, we're gonna have sex. So, you know, that's the Situation." —the Situation
The Situation doesn't mince words. He comes at you straight-up. And you could similarly say that right now, Syracuse is hookin' up with its girl and it looks like its gonna have sex. That's the situation. The situation might change in a month or so. But right now, the situation is the situation.