Octonion: The Rise Of Cobra

A secret society of the eight wealthiest mascots in the Northeast convenes at an estate in Providence, RI, otherwise known as Mike Tranghese's John Marinatto's basement. Chips and mango-peach salsa are served. They control the Northeastern bank money supplies, Fort Dix, ESPN and the Wesleyan College student newspaper.

They are known as The Octonion.

Parental discretion is advised.

Bearcat_medium

Alright everybody, settle down.  I'm new at this so I'll so I'll do my best-

Mountaineer2_medium

BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  You suck!

Cardinal_medium

That's a little rude, don't you think?

Mountaineer2_medium

You know what’s rude?  Saying you’re gonna represent the Big East in the Orange Bowl and then letting Virginia Tech splooge all over you on national television.

Bearcat_medium

Hey, you had your shot.  Maybe you need to get yourself a coach that’s good enough to beat us.

Mountaineer2_medium

I'll have you know that our schedule last season was way tougher than the schedule we played when we went to the Fiesta Bowl the year before.

Bearcat_medium

Is that why you guys almost lost to Syracuse at home?

Mountaineer2_medium

No...

Panther_medium

So…you’re saying your Fiesta Bowl winning team wasn’t really that good.

Mountaineer2_medium

Well, no...

Bearcat_medium

Then what are you saying?

Mountaineer2_medium

Listen, I’m saying…uh…SHOTS!  WHO WANTS SHOTS?!?

Bearcat_medium

Okay, while ninth-year senior over here looks for the SoCo, I wanted to welcome all of you back to another rousing season of Big East football.

Usfbull_medium

Enjoy it while you can, pussies.

Panther_medium

Why's that?

Usfbull_medium

Because guess who’s the trendy pick, asshole?

Panther_medium

Ugh, you’re ALWAYS the trendy pick.

Cardinal_medium

Last year, and the year before that…

Panther_medium

Shit or get off the pot already.  At least Louisville has the common decency to either be really good or really horrible.

Cardinal_medium

Uh...thanks...

Usfbull_medium

I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE KIDNEYS, SHIT DOWN YOUR THROAT, SHOVE YOUR TAIL IN YOUR MOUTH AND USE IT LIKE A STIRRING STRAW.

Husky2_medium

So aggro, chillax sweetie.

Otto_medium
Flavor crystals and butterscotch syrup!
 Knight_medium
Gentlemen, this grows tiresome. 
Bearcat_medium Sorry to keep you, Scarlet.  I know you’ve got to get back to prepping for that grinding schedule of yours.
Knight_medium I’ll have you know that every school on our schedule is accredited by the NCAA.
Panther_medium Great, we’ll remember that when you go to the Orange Bowl and lose by 30 to an 8-4 ACC team.  That’ll make us feel so much better.
Mountaineer2_medium
Wait a minute, I just checked and Howard’s on his schedule.
Usfbull_medium So?
Mountaineer2_medium
You can’t play Howard, right?
Usfbull_medium
Why couldn't you?
Mountaineer2_medium
Cause...you know...
Usfbull_medium Cause they're black?
Mountaineer2_medium
NO!!! I was gonna say I thought they were Division 2 or something!
Usfbull_medium I don't believe you.
Mountaineer2_medium
Oh come on!  That's crazy.  I have tons of black friends.
Usfbull_medium Obama.
Mountaineer2_medium
What?
Usfbull_medium You heard me.  Obama, mother fucker.
Panther_medium
Guys, if it’s all the same, I’d like my shot at the Orange Bowl.  I think I’m due.
Cardinal_medium And that’s exactly why you’re going 6-6. 
Knight_medium In a feverish dream, I saw you and your mustachioed leader.  I was bewitched by a prophecy.  It was December.  I saw a football field.  And upon it, the Pitt Panthers did battle.  And that field was in Birmingham Alabama.
Husky2_medium
Did they actually score a point this time?
Knight_medium That I cannot say, but I did foresee a great deal on Papa John’s Meat Lover’s Pizzas.
Otto_medium
Cured meats and quisenberries!
Bearcat_medium
Otto, I don’t think quisenberries are actual things, I think it’s just the last name of that guy from the Royals.
Otto_medium
Otto deals in the abstract!  Is only way to dull pain!
Bearcat_medium
Whuddya mean?  You’ve got this Marrone guy now.  He seems legit.  Nary a one-star recruit in all of Tri-State Area has escaped his ever-watching eye.
Otto_medium
Otto optimistic but realistic!
Bearcat_medium
At least you know you’ll beat Louisville, right?
Cardinal_medium Hey, you guys, lay off me, will ya?
Husky2_medium
Remember a couple years ago when you would put up 48 points on me?
Cardinal_medium Yeah.
Knight_medium And you layeth 56 points on me, a few moons ago.
Cardinal_medium Sure.
Bearcat_medium And 46 on me?
Cardinal_medium Right.
Bearcat_medium Yeah, go fuck yourself.
Cardinal_medium Understood.
Bearcat_medium Alright, have we covered everything?
Husky2_medium
Bubbe, don’t forget lil old me.
Usfbull_medium How could we.  Seriously, do us all a favor and lose early.  Please?
Mountaineer2_medium
Yeah, don’t make us all sweat out the possibility of UConn representing the Big East in the Orange Bowl.  Even WE’D kick us out of the BCS.
Husky2_medium
You know, for your information I’m making a real effort to be taken seriously.  I’m scheduling well.  I’m winning important games.  And I’m building a strong recruiting and fan base in the Northeast.
Bearcat_medium Yeah, but…
Husky2_medium
But what?
Mountaineer2_medium
You’re UConn.
Knight_medium Yeah.
Cardinal_medium Right.
Panther_medium
Exactly.
Husky2_medium
......valid point.
Bearcat_medium Alright everyone, good luck this season.
Usfbull_medium Fuck you very much.
Bearcat_medium
Saw that coming.
Otto_medium
Tasteecakes and maraschino cherries!!

You can find records of the previous Octonion meetings below (excuse the formatting issues, one day I'll get around to fixing):

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