Octonion: The Rise Of Cobra

by Sean Keeley on Aug 3, 2009 10:00 AM EDT in The Octonion

A secret society of the eight wealthiest mascots in the Northeast convenes at an estate in Providence, RI, otherwise known as ~~Mike Tranghese's~~ John Marinatto's basement. Chips and mango-peach salsa are served. They control the Northeastern bank money supplies, Fort Dix, ESPN and the Wesleyan College student newspaper.

They are known as The Octonion.

Parental discretion is advised.

	Alright everybody, settle down. I'm new at this so I'll so I'll do my best-
	BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! You suck!
	That's a little rude, don't you think?
	You know what’s rude? Saying you’re gonna represent the Big East in the Orange Bowl and then letting Virginia Tech splooge all over you on national television.
	Hey, you had your shot. Maybe you need to get yourself a coach that’s good enough to beat us.
	I'll have you know that our schedule last season was way tougher than the schedule we played when we went to the Fiesta Bowl the year before.
	Is that why you guys almost lost to Syracuse at home?
	No...
	So…you’re saying your Fiesta Bowl winning team wasn’t really that good.
	Well, no...
	Then what are you saying?
	Listen, I’m saying…uh…SHOTS! WHO WANTS SHOTS?!?
	Okay, while ninth-year senior over here looks for the SoCo, I wanted to welcome all of you back to another rousing season of Big East football.
	Enjoy it while you can, pussies.
	Why's that?
	Because guess who’s the trendy pick, asshole?
	Ugh, you’re ALWAYS the trendy pick.
	Last year, and the year before that…
	Shit or get off the pot already. At least Louisville has the common decency to either be really good or really horrible.
	Uh...thanks...
	I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE KIDNEYS, SHIT DOWN YOUR THROAT, SHOVE YOUR TAIL IN YOUR MOUTH AND USE IT LIKE A STIRRING STRAW.
	So aggro, chillax sweetie.
	Flavor crystals and butterscotch syrup!
	Gentlemen, this grows tiresome.
	Sorry to keep you, Scarlet. I know you’ve got to get back to prepping for that grinding schedule of yours.
	I’ll have you know that every school on our schedule is accredited by the NCAA.
	Great, we’ll remember that when you go to the Orange Bowl and lose by 30 to an 8-4 ACC team. That’ll make us feel so much better.
	Wait a minute, I just checked and Howard’s on his schedule.
	So?
	You can’t play Howard, right?
	Why couldn't you?
	Cause...you know...
	Cause they're black?
	NO!!! I was gonna say I thought they were Division 2 or something!
	I don't believe you.
	Oh come on! That's crazy. I have tons of black friends.
	Obama.
	What?
	You heard me. Obama, mother fucker.
	Guys, if it’s all the same, I’d like my shot at the Orange Bowl. I think I’m due.
	And that’s exactly why you’re going 6-6.
	In a feverish dream, I saw you and your mustachioed leader. I was bewitched by a prophecy. It was December. I saw a football field. And upon it, the Pitt Panthers did battle. And that field was in Birmingham Alabama.
	Did they actually score a point this time?
	That I cannot say, but I did foresee a great deal on Papa John’s Meat Lover’s Pizzas.
	Cured meats and quisenberries!
	Otto, I don’t think quisenberries are actual things, I think it’s just the last name of that guy from the Royals.
	Otto deals in the abstract! Is only way to dull pain!
	Whuddya mean? You’ve got this Marrone guy now. He seems legit. Nary a one-star recruit in all of Tri-State Area has escaped his ever-watching eye.
	Otto optimistic but realistic!
	At least you know you’ll beat Louisville, right?
	Hey, you guys, lay off me, will ya?
	Remember a couple years ago when you would put up 48 points on me?
	Yeah.
	And you layeth 56 points on me, a few moons ago.
	Sure.
	And 46 on me?
	Right.
	Yeah, go fuck yourself.
	Understood.
	Alright, have we covered everything?
	Bubbe, don’t forget lil old me.
	How could we. Seriously, do us all a favor and lose early. Please?
	Yeah, don’t make us all sweat out the possibility of UConn representing the Big East in the Orange Bowl. Even WE’D kick us out of the BCS.
	You know, for your information I’m making a real effort to be taken seriously. I’m scheduling well. I’m winning important games. And I’m building a strong recruiting and fan base in the Northeast.
	Yeah, but…
	But what?
	You’re UConn.
	Yeah.
	Right.
	Exactly.
	......valid point.
	Alright everyone, good luck this season.
	Fuck you very much.
	Saw that coming.
	Tasteecakes and maraschino cherries!!

You can find records of the previous Octonion meetings below (excuse the formatting issues, one day I'll get around to fixing):

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Comments

UConn

really eased up on the flamboyancy. Thats a shame.

by ryanwk628 on Aug 3, 2009 2:09 PM EDT reply actions

The Mountaineer

The Mountaineer is now a Mountainette and not so much as a mention?

by OIFMountaineer on Aug 3, 2009 7:19 PM EDT reply actions

I had no idea!

no one tells me these things

Troy Nunes Is An Absolute Magician - The Syracuse blog that cares.

by Sean Keeley on Aug 3, 2009 9:02 PM EDT up reply actions

looks like you have more a reason to do another Octonion.

by Jameson_Fleming on Aug 3, 2009 9:10 PM EDT up reply actions

I didn't know either

Point Pleasant native Rebecca Durst will soon don the buckskins as the second female West Virginia University Mountaineer mascot. She follows Secretary of State Natalie Tennant, who served as the first female Mountaineer in 1990-91.

More info here.

I also didn’t know that they pick a new Mountaineer each year. I heard Rebecca will be growing a beard.

Go Tartans!

by voteprime on Aug 4, 2009 11:41 AM EDT up reply actions