More photos » Garry Jones - AP

6 months ago: Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino makes a public apology concerning his involvement in a scandal in Louisville, Ky., Wednesday, Aug. 12, 2009. Pitino's comments were the first since news broke Tuesday that he told police that he and Karen Sypher had sex on a table at a Louisville restaurant six years ago. (AP Photo/Garry Jones)

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I apologize for being a little late on this given that we've missed a few golden opportunities.  That said, I wanted to pass along the official rules so that the next time Rick Pitino calls an impromptu, wackjob press conference to blame the media for all of his self-made problems, you can enjoy yourself that much more.

TAKE ONE SIP EVERY TIME...

Rick invoked a national tragedy, such as 9/11.

Rick mentions that he's from New York.

Rick mentions that he has friends and family in New York.

Rick notes the "tough economic times" we're in.

Rick "stands up" for those who are dead and no longer have a voice for some unknown, arbitrary cause.

TAKE TWO SIPS EVERY TIME...

Rick ingratiates himself into a national tragedy, such as 9/11, and uses it as an emotional crutch.

Rick mentions the death of a notable politician.

Rick castigates a reporter who is in the room at the time.

Rick says the word "lie."

TAKE THREE SIPS EVERY TIME...

Rick compares the trials and tribulations of his life to The Holocaust.

Rick mentions The Hindenburg, whether in relation to his personal life or Louisville basketball.

Rick says he now understands the plight of the Prawns in District 9.

Rick burrows into the ground and returns to live among his fellow Mid-Earth Dewllers.

Rick leaps out into the crowd and begin gnawing on a reporter's neck.