The Octonion: New Moon

A secret society of the eight wealthiest mascots in the Northeast convenes at an estate in Providence, RI, otherwise known as Mike Tranghese's John Marinatto's basement. Chips and mango-peach salsa are served. They control the Northeastern bank money supplies, Fort Dix, ESPN and the Wesleyan College student newspaper.

They are known as The Octonion.

Parental discretion is advised.

 
Usfbull_medium

Somebody want to tell me what in the Flamerica University is going on around here?

Husky2_medium
I don’t know what you’re talking about, sugar.
Usfbull_medium Don’t feed me cow chips and call it kobe beef, poochie. You know what I’m talking about.
Cardinal_medium Everybody calm down, no one is going to the Big Ten.
Bearcat_medium I’ve got enough to deal with right now, I don’t need that kind of headache.
Mountaineer2_medium Don’t flatter yourself. I don’t think they’ll be that interested when you’re playing the PapaJohns’com Bowl next year.
Bearcat_medium What are you talking about? We don’t need Brian Kelly, we’ll be fine.
Usfbull_medium HAHAHAHAHA…
Panther_medium HAHAHAHAHA…
Husky2_medium HAHAHAHAHA…
Otto_medium HAHAHA…Otto haz gigglez but duzn’t undurstanz wai.
Usfbull_medium Cut the shit, fruit. We know you want in the Big Ten.
Otto_medium Otto not commentin. Iz Big Ten isshu, not Saracuz isshu.
Cardinal_medium Don’t feed us that line, Otto. We’re not stupid.
Usfbull_medium Says the guy who hired Steve Kragthorpe.
Cardinal_medium He won 8 games three times at Tulsa I’ll have you know.
Usfbull_medium I’ll have you know you embarrass the fuck outta us.
Cardinal_medium Go win a football game in October.
Mountaineer2_medium Ladies, are you done? I wanna know who knows what, how they know it and what they know.
Bearcat_medium That was hard to say for you, wasn’t it?
Mountaineer2_medium I feel lightheaded. I need to take a breather. Pass me a Keystone Dry.
Usfbull_medium He’s legally retarded but he’s right. Knight, you know something…
Knight_medium Sir, I am offended! That barefoot plod I the cold ground upon with sainted vow my faults to have amended!
Mountaineer2_medium  What is that? Gay English?
Husky2_medium No, that’s not it.
Cardinal_medium They say you’re talking to the Big Ten, Knight. What about us? What about your honor?
Knight_medium Honour pricks me on. Yea, but how if honour prick me off when I come on? How then? Can honour set to a leg? No. Or an arm? No. Or take away the grief of a wound? No. Honour hath no skill in surgery, then? No. What is honour? A word.
Panther_medium Next time can you just say "no?"

 A STRANGER ENTERS
 Brutus_medium Oh hey fellas.
  
Usfbull_medium WHAT THE FUCK?
Cardinal_medium How’d you get in here?
Brutus_medium Otto invited me.
Mountaineer2_medium Otto you little shit! You gave up our secret location???
Otto_medium Otto disavowz such nawledge. I iz innosentz.
Brutus_medium It’s okay, Otto. You can tell them…
Otto_medium Okayz….Otto iz goin too Midwestz.
Husky2_medium NOOOOO!!!
Mountaineer2_medium TRAITOR!!!
Cardinal_medium USURPER!!!
Usfbull_medium MOTHERSHITFUCKTITS!!!
Bearcat_medium DICKFOR!!!
Knight_medium UNWORTHY COUSIN!!!
Panther_medium Guys, guys…let’s calm down for a second…
Bearcat_medium How can you calm down at a time like this?
Panther_medium Well…because…I’m going too.
Husky2_medium NOOOOO!!!
Mountaineer2_medium TRAITOR!!!
Cardinal_medium USURPER!!!
Usfbull_medium MOTHERSHITFUCKTITS!!!
Bearcat_medium DICKFOR!!!
Knight_medium UNWORTH...oh wait, I too am heading MidWest in search of glory.
Husky2_medium NOOOOO!!!
Mountaineer2_medium TRAITOR!!!
Cardinal_medium USURPER!!!
Usfbull_medium MOTHERSHITFUCKTITS!!!
Bearcat_medium DICKFOR!!!
Panther_medium Alright guys, we got it. But look, it’s not so bad. They’re really good guys.  And this'll give you a chance to have that potluck with Central Florida you keep talking about.
SHADOWY FIGURES EMERGE FROM THE, UH…SHADOWS.

Ncf_g_pennstate_mascot1_200_medium

It’s really quite nice in the Big Ten…
Sparty-the-mascot-for-the-michigan-state-spartans-looks-on-in-the-first-half_medium You can watch your friends play on our network…assuming you live near a bar that gets the signal…
Big_ten_tournamnet_152b_medium Even if you only score 17 points a game, that's cool.  Anything more is considered showboating here...
85522810_medium We’d love it if you could come too Bearcat, eh?
Bearcat_medium No way.

Ncf_g_pennstate_mascot1_200_medium

Come on, it’ll be fun. You’ll be one of us…
Brutus_medium Yeah, one of us…
85522810_medium One of us, eh...
Sparty-the-mascot-for-the-michigan-state-spartans-looks-on-in-the-first-half_medium One of us…
Big_ten_tournamnet_152b_medium One of us…
Otto_medium Onez of us…
Panther_medium One of us…
Knight_medium One of us…
Usfbull_medium Bearcat, don’t do it.
Bearcat_medium I….I…
Husky2_medium Sweetie! Bubbe! Please don't...
Bearcat_medium I don’t…I can’t…
Mountaineer2_medium Bro…come on…let’s hug it out…like on Entourage…you watch that show?...It’s the fucking bomb.
Bearcat_medium Not anymore…it peaked in season two and hasn't been relevant or interesting since…but…still…can’t fight it…AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
Cardinal_medium Bearcat?
Bearcat_medium My name is not Bearcat. I am Locutus of Big Ten Org.
Husky2_medium He's been assimilated!  NOOOOO!!!
Mountaineer2_medium TRAITOR!!!
Cardinal_medium USURPER!!!
Usfbull_medium MOTHERSHITFUCKTITS!!!
Bearcat_medium Resistance, much like hoping for a meaningful Ohio State bowl victory, is futile.

 

You can find records of the previous Octonion meetings below (excuse the formatting issues on some of them, one day I'll get around to fixing):

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