The Octonion: New Moon

by Sean Keeley on Dec 18, 2009 3:39 PM EST Comment 25 comments

A secret society of the eight wealthiest mascots in the Northeast convenes at an estate in Providence, RI, otherwise known as ~~Mike Tranghese's~~ John Marinatto's basement. Chips and mango-peach salsa are served. They control the Northeastern bank money supplies, Fort Dix, ESPN and the Wesleyan College student newspaper.

They are known as The Octonion.

Parental discretion is advised.

	Somebody want to tell me what in the Flamerica University is going on around here?
	I don’t know what you’re talking about, sugar.
	Don’t feed me cow chips and call it kobe beef, poochie. You know what I’m talking about.
	Everybody calm down, no one is going to the Big Ten.
	I’ve got enough to deal with right now, I don’t need that kind of headache.
	Don’t flatter yourself. I don’t think they’ll be that interested when you’re playing the PapaJohns’com Bowl next year.
	What are you talking about? We don’t need Brian Kelly, we’ll be fine.
	HAHAHAHAHA…
	HAHAHAHAHA…
	HAHAHAHAHA…
	HAHAHA…Otto haz gigglez but duzn’t undurstanz wai.
	Cut the shit, fruit. We know you want in the Big Ten.
	Otto not commentin. Iz Big Ten isshu, not Saracuz isshu.
	Don’t feed us that line, Otto. We’re not stupid.
	Says the guy who hired Steve Kragthorpe.
	He won 8 games three times at Tulsa I’ll have you know.
	I’ll have you know you embarrass the fuck outta us.
	Go win a football game in October.
	Ladies, are you done? I wanna know who knows what, how they know it and what they know.
	That was hard to say for you, wasn’t it?
	I feel lightheaded. I need to take a breather. Pass me a Keystone Dry.
	He’s legally retarded but he’s right. Knight, you know something…
	Sir, I am offended! That barefoot plod I the cold ground upon with sainted vow my faults to have amended!
	What is that? Gay English?
	No, that’s not it.
	They say you’re talking to the Big Ten, Knight. What about us? What about your honor?
	Honour pricks me on. Yea, but how if honour prick me off when I come on? How then? Can honour set to a leg? No. Or an arm? No. Or take away the grief of a wound? No. Honour hath no skill in surgery, then? No. What is honour? A word.
	Next time can you just say "no?"
	A STRANGER ENTERS
	Oh hey fellas.

	WHAT THE FUCK?
	How’d you get in here?
	Otto invited me.
	Otto you little shit! You gave up our secret location???
	Otto disavowz such nawledge. I iz innosentz.
	It’s okay, Otto. You can tell them…
	Okayz….Otto iz goin too Midwestz.
	NOOOOO!!!
	TRAITOR!!!
	USURPER!!!
	MOTHERSHITFUCKTITS!!!
	DICKFOR!!!
	UNWORTHY COUSIN!!!
	Guys, guys…let’s calm down for a second…
	How can you calm down at a time like this?
	Well…because…I’m going too.
	NOOOOO!!!
	TRAITOR!!!
	USURPER!!!
	MOTHERSHITFUCKTITS!!!
	DICKFOR!!!
	UNWORTH...oh wait, I too am heading MidWest in search of glory.
	NOOOOO!!!
	TRAITOR!!!
	USURPER!!!
	MOTHERSHITFUCKTITS!!!
	DICKFOR!!!
	Alright guys, we got it. But look, it’s not so bad. They’re really good guys. And this'll give you a chance to have that potluck with Central Florida you keep talking about.
	SHADOWY FIGURES EMERGE FROM THE, UH…SHADOWS.
	It’s really quite nice in the Big Ten…
	You can watch your friends play on our network…assuming you live near a bar that gets the signal…
	Even if you only score 17 points a game, that's cool. Anything more is considered showboating here...
	We’d love it if you could come too Bearcat, eh?
	No way.
	Come on, it’ll be fun. You’ll be one of us…
	Yeah, one of us…
	One of us, eh...
	One of us…
	One of us…
	Onez of us…
	One of us…
	One of us…
	Bearcat, don’t do it.
	I….I…
	Sweetie! Bubbe! Please don't...
	I don’t…I can’t…
	Bro…come on…let’s hug it out…like on Entourage…you watch that show?...It’s the fucking bomb.
	Not anymore…it peaked in season two and hasn't been relevant or interesting since…but…still…can’t fight it…AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
	Bearcat?
	My name is not Bearcat. I am Locutus of Big Ten Org.
	He's been assimilated! NOOOOO!!!
	TRAITOR!!!
	USURPER!!!
	MOTHERSHITFUCKTITS!!!
	Resistance, much like hoping for a meaningful Ohio State bowl victory, is futile.