101 Reasons Why Hiring Chip Kelly is BAD for Syracuse

1.  He eats babies. You don’t want that at Syracuse (By bradll99)

2.  Kelly likes to skin kittens alive - with fire. You don’t want that at Syracuse.

3.  Chip Kelly will clip his toenails in dead silence in your living room. (By butthol)

4.  The difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead Pandas is that Chip Kelly doesn't own a Porsche.

5.  He HATES Oranges. He turns into a mindless beast when he sees them. Heaven forbid he ever makes it into the Orange Bowl.

6.  His first name is a food. His last name is a color. That's gotta mean something (By Takimoto)

7.  He's notoriously gassy. He would wipe out the entire bench.

8.  He's been called a "mastermind". Do you Really want THIS MAN running your football team????


I wouldn't. (By Takimoto)


10. He HATES the ACL. I mean, look at all the knee injuries Oregon has had over the last two years! Sheesh!


10. He taught me how to count to 10 quickly by skipping pointless numbers like "9". He’ll teach this to all your players! Don’t be like me, count to ten properly!

12. He runs the Zone Read way too much. (By Funk) How boring is that? I mean - it's like ALL the time. Can you maybe throw in a dive, or offset tackle?

13. He leaves Fullbacks unemployed. In today's economy, it's cruel to discriminate against these lead blockers. Think of the fullbacks!

14. He doesn't use his TE's enough. (By Charles Barkley McLovin) What does he think they are? Decoration?!?

15. Doesn't use deodorant enough! (By echris) Have you ever heard of Kelly actually given someone a hug? Of course not! Nobody has survived the putrid sour cheese and stale salted peanut armpit smell.

16. He spreads hatred. You know that one Big East team that you respect? Prepare to be immensely hated by them. They won't like you. In fact, nobody will like you guys.

17. He’s a secret Islamic terrorist. Or at least is palling around with them! (Paraphrased; originally from butthol)

18. As head coach, his salary would be so much, not even Nike Founder Phil Knight could afford him! (The VD Special)

19. His ultimate goal is to break a scoreboard. It isn’t that he likes football; he just has some strange vendetta against scoreboards. And do you know how expensive those things are?

20. He likes listening to Hansen, The Jonas Brothers, Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch and Aqua. He’s a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie world.

21. He’s a Starbucks addict. No explanation required.

22. Oregon has spent $150,000 on his wardrobe, and he gets $1250 haircuts.

23. Syracuse doesn’t have enough uniform combinations to keep him entertained.

24. He gets obsessed with internet memes and is a notorious rick roller. We get it Kelly! We’ve been rick roll’d. Ha. Ha. Ha.

25. Chip Kelly stared in a controversial ad where he was wearing a bikini, eating a burger, and suggestively washing a car.

26. He sold his soul to the devil. Every time his offense scores a TD, a whale beaches. Don’t have that on your conscious. Save the whales.

27. He secretly wants to run an A-11 offense.

28. He doesn’t pass the ball enough. I mean, he’ll have the wide receivers out there, but they are just skinny tall running backs in a strange position. He’ll even use your star tackle as a pitch option. I’m pretty sure that’s a sign of insanity. 

29. He doesn’t run the ball enough. I mean, he’ll have some stellar back, and he’ll be all "Let’s throw it!" What an idiot! You don’t want that!

30. I bet you like your quarterbacks. Chip Kelly hates them. He actually says, "Hey. Run with this ball, and get hurt!" Save your quarterbacks, don’t hire Chip Kelly.

31. What’s your favorite color? Chip Kelly hates it!

32. Chip Kelly invested his 700 yards from the Civil War game into General Motors. We’ll see how smart this guy really is. I think it’s a bad investment myself.

33. He’ll make your mascot cry. 6a34f42be03a578a0e293a7dcac7658f_medium



34. After giving you two years, he’ll probably just go off to some other school like… Clemson or something. Didn’t they steal your color? You should probably start hating them if you don’t already.

35. Chip is probably French or Cherokee, so he doesn’t get along well with Onondaga or other Iroquois tribes.

36. Our coordinators come in a package. You’ll need to take our Defensive Coordinator too.

37. Kelly has a chronic fear of Domes. The Carrier Dome surely would be the end of him.

38.  Kelly is one of those "Linix" guys. Last time I checked, I don’t think Syracuse was open source.

39.  The only thing Chip Kelly knows about Syracuse is playing Mascot Mode on EA Sports NCAA. He’d be greatly disappointed knowing your "Orangemen" aren’t actually real juicy Oranges, but more of men.

40. Dennis Dixon calls him "The Guru". Everyone on the team will need to become Buddhists. If Syracuse doesn’t have a temple, you better get crackin’ if you want him to come. He’s very particular too. It needs to be a handmade fire brick building.

41. Kelly was on the cover of playboy. Talk about baggage! Oh – wait… different Kelly. How embarrassing!

42. Kelly doesn’t kick field goals. He kicks kickers through the uprights.

43. Coach Kelly is all for bringing back the prohibition.

44. He doesn’t cross his ‘t’s or dot his ‘I’s.

45. He’ll rack up an enormous room service bill.

46. He’s a frequent dine and dasher.

47. Chip Kelly only thinks in literal terms. He has only used a forklift to lift a box of forks.

48. Chip Kelly was Ross Perot’s running mate.

49. He’d rather be spending his Saturday’s watching princess movies. He loved the hit movie "Enchanted".

50. Voted for Sanjaya every week on American Idol.

51. He prefers creamy peanut butter.

52. He did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky.

53. He thinks nuclear warfare would be "bad ass!". He petitioned NCAA to allow use of weapons on game day against defenses. They said "no" in case you guys were wondering.

54. He enjoyed Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace. He encourages his players by talking like Jar-Jar Binks.

55. Chip Kelly eats the off brand Mac & Cheese. The horror! Everyone knows Kraft is the cheesiest!

56. He links all the paper clips together at the Athletic Director’s desk.

57. Coach Kelly uses baby seal oil for his car.

58. Plays the opening riff of "Stairway to Heaven" over, and over, and over, and over.

59. Uze teh gramer & speling of jr. hi girlz txt’ng. Lolz.

60.  He’ll cost the Big East MILLIONS of dollars. By beating Oregon State, he insured that the Pac-10 would not get the payout of having two teams in the BCS Bowls. THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!

61. Keeps all his plays on generic brand sticky notes. Those things don’t adhere to ANYTHING.

62. Chip has a long track record of kidney stones.

63. He makes simple tasks like taking out the garbage a very complex game play that involves a fake statue of liberty reverse end around wideout pass option to the quarterback.

64. Gets confused with his own play calling.

65. Has outsmarted himself in a game of chess.

66. Sucks at charades.

67. Was fooled once when the defense ran a zone read against his offense. Oh sweet irony!

68. He questions the legality of punters in NCAA football.

69. He hates (Insert your favorite food here).

70. Owns the speaking record of words per minute.

71. He was a ballerina at age 11.

72. He lived in New Hampshire. Isn’t that like… the NE’s Montana? Think about it.

73. Believes that the government that governs best is a government that governs least. By these standards, we have established a wonderful government in Iraq. (By Stephen Colbert)

74. Makes up incorrect facts, and encourages his followers to do the same.

75. He is a part of the Freemason Society.

76. And the Illuminati

77. And he’s a vampire

78. He lies about his days as a wild college student. The dude was a nerd, and he hasn’t ever done a keg stand.

79. He has only theorized what it would be like to have a team score more points than his offense.

80. If at first, his players don’t succeed, he tortures them in his basement.

81. The last time an Oregon QB threw an interception, he fused a football to the quarterback’s hand.

82. He sings along at the Opera.

83. Insists on listening to 8-track.

84. He tapes pieces of Barney the dinosaur to rented VHS tapes.

85. When Chip Kelly gets in an elevator, he stands facing the back of the elevator instead of turning around.

86. He has an inability to tell what gender someone is.

87. Chip Kelly sews the front of the interior linemen’s boxers closed.

88. Know why public restrooms are wet? It’s because Chip Kelly was in there.

89. He thinks everyone in the south talks with a Swedish accent, and he tries to communicate to them with "Herdy derdy ja, bork bork bork!"

90. He once bet Mark Sanchez that he couldn’t throw the ball 4813 yards, out of bounds, for a touchdown. He owes Sanchez $5 now. Cleary he can’t make good choices!


91. He replaces the filling in Oreos with a sour cream and mayonnaise concoction.

92. Once told a guitarist he knew how to play the drums and they should join the band. That was a complete lie. He’s actually a violinist.

93. Chip Kelly once broke the knee of each running back quoting "That which does not kill you, makes you stronger. Now give me 10 laps."

94. Chip Kelly is the cause of the global climate change, and he can only be subdued by temperate, wet northwest weather.

95. Plaxico Burress didn’t shoot himself in the leg. Chip Kelly shot Plaxico Burress in the leg.

96. Chip Kelly’s offense was inspired by the "Don’t tase me, bro!" guy.

97. Coach Kelly is going to be sued for copyright infringement of stealing Rich Rodriguez’s zone read, Oregon State’s flysweep, and Boise State’s Statue of Liberty.

98. Tupac isn’t dead. Coach Kelly has him locked up in a recording room, and only feeds him after he’s done recording an album.

99. Chip Kelly is the reason arrested development isn’t on the air anymore.

100. Chip Kelly was the reason why Pauly Shore had a career. That wasn’t mean enough for him, so he resurrected Rosie O’ Donald’s career.

101. Chip Kelly is the festering spirit of every James Bond villain ever imagined. At Syracuse, he will be unstoppable in his road to rule the world!

That’s why you don’t want Chip Kelly.

Please note that all or most of these reasons are probably entirely false - but they might be true. And that should scare you enough.

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