When I received these photos of Syracuse Orange-themed Russian matryoshka dolls, I was amused. While I did profess that they had some sort of prophetic value, I assumed their powers were of the finest intentions. Now I see the truth.
These dolls are cursed. And so is Syracuse football.
Let's look at the facts. The dolls were created in the bowels of the Kremlin, made from the ashes of Josef Stalin's remains, remnants of Hitler's brain and Orange #3. The ingredients were mixed together in a cauldron by this man and set in molds. From there they were placed in a shop that just so happened to be somewhere where American and Syracuse fan Bob Kalka would see them, just HAVE TO buy them, and bring them back to America.
And the curse had begun.
The dolls represent five members of the Syracuse Orange who were active as of the end of last season and all of whom were expected to play a major roll in the season to come. Brandon Gilbeaux (#91), Andrew Robinson (#9), Mike Williams (#1), Taj Smith (#4) and Arthur Jones (#97) had all been blessed (cursed?) with having their visages memorialized in chubby, wooden form. We thought it was sign that these five warriors would be the ones to lead us back to glory. The prophecies had told us so. But what we didn't take into account was that these dolls were created not to honor the prophecy...but to destroy it.
FACT, the day after these dolls were created Taj Smith announced he was forgoing his final year of eligibility to enter the pro draft.
FACT, the day these dolls arrived in America Mike Williams was suspended from the team and the university.
FACT, yesterday at 5:30pm EST, a time that is odd considering it's the last possible moment of the week that news could be reported and would be the perfect time to dump a story as so it's noticed by the least amount of people possible, it was announced that Brandon Gilbeaux had been suspended from the team and university as well for academic issues.
Not only does this prove the curse is real, but also that it has a very savvy PR team.
If you are Andrew Robinson and/or Arthur Jones, sleep with your doors locked tight. The curse is upon you next.
What can we do? Well I've decided to team up with a sassy Eastern European cryptologist whom I will meet in Vienna to decipher some recently found scrolls which may hold the answer. From there I would expect that the scrolls will lead me on a whirlwind adventure through Europe where friends will be revealed to be enemies, Renaissance art will contain more than meets the eye and the pangs of lust will jump forth from the bellies of the cryptologist and myself as we realize this is as much a journey of self-discovery as it is a journey of hope.
I can only hope that the scrolls do not fall into the hands of the Opus Pa, a mysterious sect of the Catholic Church that pledges allegiance to an octogenarian football deity known only as The Pa. If some harm should befall young Andrew or Arthur before I return, keep them safe and warm. I only hope that I am unable to unlock the mysterious Pasqualoni Code before it's too late.
God speed to us all.