Octonion VI: The Octonioning

A secret society of the eight wealthiest mascots in the Northeast convenes at an estate in Providence, RI, otherwise known as Mike Tranghese’s basement. Chips and mango-peach salsa are served.

 

They control the Northeastern bank money supplies, Fort Dix, ESPN and the Weslyan College student newspaper.

They are known as The Octonion.



Okay, thanks for coming today. Everyone enjoying their off-season?







About as much as I enjoy visiting Storrs.







It was voted "America's Best Place to Avoid Death Due to Natural Disaster" by Slate I’ll have you know.






I'm more worried about being mugged by a UConn athlete.







Don’t get mad at me cause you forced poor defenseless Rich Rodriguez into signing a contract under duress and you got caught.






He knew what he was getting into!






Let me tell you from experience, that doesn’t hold up in court.







Normative jurisprudence! Hooray!







Hey, I’ve got a motion.






Ahhh…I’m in a glass case of a motion…You guys see that movie? Fuckin’ ROCKED!






Yes…everyone has seen that movie. Congratulations for memorizing dialogue.






I bet you’re not even mad, you’re-







Impressed?







THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT! I’m so being him for Halloween!







Bearcat, you had something you wanted to talk about?






Well I just thought it would be good to address the rumors swirling around.






Alright look, before you open up this Panthra’s Box, I just want to say-







My liege, you mean Pandora’s Box?







If I meant Pandora, I would have said Pandora. Everybody knows the expression is Panthra’s Box.






So you’re insisting that the thousand years’ old religious tale and metaphor for the evils of female sexuality originated from ThunderCats?





…okay it’s possible I’m wrong.








Do you think Cheetara got it on with Lion-O?







Guys, back to Panther’s point, plea-






Lion-O was gay, what are you talking about?






LION-O WAS NOT GAY! TAKE IT BACK!







Dude had long, flowing hair, walked around in a one-piece leotard that would make even Husky blush and he hung out with an oversized hamster all day. What part of that doesn’t say FA-LAMING to you?




It was hot on Thundera. I think that was obvious.







They weren’t on Thundera, they were on Third Earth. Jackass.





And as we all know, when the ThunderCats landed on Third Earth, they found that the cryogenics that kept them in suspended animation had failed to inhibit Lion-O’s aging, and he was now a child in the body of a man. And don’t we all feel that way every once in a while? I know I do. And that’s what I was getting at. I’m no monster. I always ask if they’ve done this before…




























(sleeping)















What…are you doing, Panther?






I think it’s in the best interest of all of us, emotionally and legally, if we not know. Bearcat, please, for the love of God, move on.






Okay, so…um…the rumor I wanted to address was less in the vein of Panther’s deviant sexual lifestyle-






Whew!







-and more in the vein of this Memphis business.






I’m glad you brought that up actually. I’ve invited someone to join us today and fill us in on what’s going on.





(A knock at the door)



What foul beast harkens at such an hour???







It's 5:30. Anyway, everyone, I’d like you to please welcome…(opens the door)…The Memphis Tiger.







Hey ya’ll!







S’up.



Bull, good to see ya’ll. Now I know last time we was together you borrowed a few dollars and said you’d get me back and then the next day you left for the Big East and we haven’t seen each other since and every time I get your number you seem to go and change it, which really gets my gizzard but anyhoo. So I thought maybe-




No.






Okay, well, that’s, um, okay. Good to see you.






Tiger, if you could just let us know what’s going on, we’d appreciate it.






Well, as you may or may not have heard, we’d love to come join ya’ll up there in the East. We just love it up there and, as much as we just love visiting El Paso every year, we’re looking for something a little more…





Cultured?







Yes!






You’re aware West Virginia’s in this conference, right?






I’ve got culture!







Oh yeah?






Yeah, just the other day I gave this girl a throat culture. AWWWWW YEAHHHHH!!!






Streptococci!







All class.






Watch it, kitty. Or we might not let you in the conference either.







But…






Don’t. Just…don’t.







Good cat from Tennessee, what do you know of our Eastern lands?






Oh I just love ya’lls miserable weather and ya’lls 47-team basketball conference and ya’lls downtrodden blue collar college towns with poor town gown relations. Just love it and I want in!





Aye, but let me ask you this question one. Have you ever eaten two Fat Darrells back-to-back?






Lord, too many times…







Gosh, I can’t say I have.






I’m sorry, but we have high standards here in the Big East.






He’s right, Tiger. You just can’t ask to be in the Big East and we’ll let you in no questions asked. Our members are elite.






I mean, look at St. John’s and all the positive things they bring to the conference. That’s a lofty standard to live up to.







Well I’mma go work on my sandwich-eatin’ skills and if ya’ll come around, you know where to find me. Bye ya’ll! (Leaves)





Glad we put that to bed.







Actually, there’s one other order of business. Apparently East Carolina wanted to know if they could join the conference as well.




(Silence…then…)


Hahahahahaha…






Hahahahahaha…







Hahahahahaha…







Hahahahahaha…







Hahahahahaha…






Teeheeheeteeheehee…







Hahahahahaha…







I know, right? Thought you’d all get a kick out of that. Alright, meeting adjourned!





You can find records of the previous Octonion below:
Enter the Octonion, Part I
Enter the Octonion, Part II
As the Octonion Returns
Octonion Strikes Back
Octonion Forever
Octonion: Reloaded


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