"Its high exaltedness, the Great Syracuse University Judicial Board, has decreed that you are to be terminated immediately. You will therefore be taken to the Dune Sea, and cast into the pit of Carkoon, the nesting place of the all-powerful Calhounacc. In his belly you will find a new definition of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over a thousand years. Victim of the almighty Calhounacc, their Excellencies hopes that you will die honorably. But should you wish to beg for mercy, the great Judicial Overlord will now listen to your pleas."Or he'll get a slap on the wrist. It could really go either way.
In the meantime, I thought it might be prudent to look at the events of the past week and analyze it the best and most mature way possible...by determining who came out of it a winner and who comes out a loser.
WINNER - Campus Delivery
The coverage CD got from all of this has done wonders for their bottom line, I'm sure. What SU student doesn't want to sample the $115.65 Meal Deal For Three right now? A Philly Cheesesteak sub for $4.99? I may just order one right now...
LOSER - Robert Washington
Scoop's 40-year-old cousin is at best a man who made a mistake in an attempt to appease and/or feed some young ladies. At worse, he's a creepy middle-aged hanger-on crashing in a teenager's college apartment, getting him suspended from school and almost charged criminally.
WINNER - SU Men's Hoops
Hear me out on this. SU is 2-0 since the suspension. The six-man rotation is the way to go, baby.
LOSER - Scoop Jardine
WINNER - Goldstein Dining Hall
It's the place to be seen right now on campus. "This is the tray that Scoop's female friends got eggs from! Watch me do it to!"
LOSER - Amani Herron
The SU student whose card is in question has been better days as well. First, he's $115.65 in the hole, at least until Scoop pays him back. No Sbarros for you, my friend. Second, we know he's the kind of person who frequents Denny's.
WINNER - Denny's of Syracuse
Any time they appear in the news and it doesn't involve racial profiling and hate crimes, it's a win.