Octonion Forever

A secret society of the eight wealthiest mascots in the Northeast convenes at an estate in Providence, RI, otherwise known as Mike Tranghese’s basement. Chips and mango-peach salsa are served.

 

They control the Northeastern bank money supplies, FortDix, ESPN and the WeslyanCollege student newspaper.

They are known as The Octonion. The recordings of their previous meetings can be found here, here and here.


Aight, check it bitches. There’s a sheriff in town. And he’s the old sheriff. The old new sheriff. The Newshriff.

 

This is a pretty big day for you.

 


Fuck yeah! And you can’t take it away from me so don’t even try.

 

 


Hey, wouldn’t dream of it! Besides, what do I look like, a mustachioed guy on crutches with a 17-19 record at my current job?

 

What? Sorry, didn’t hear you, too busy staring at my Big East conference championship ring.

 

 

(Mountaineer holds up left hand, showing off ring)

They don’t make a Big East conference championship ring.


Okay fine, you got me.


So what ring is that?

 

 

Huh?

 

 

You really are wearing a ring. What’s it for?

 

I won the Morgantown Cornhole Tournament last year, you happy?


Depends on the kind of cornhole you’re talking about, honey.

 


Cornpipes and chimney sweeps!

 

 

Look, we’re here for a reason. Another season is over and I thought everyone could get up here and talk about how it went for them. I’ll start…well, I’m back where I belong. Conference champ. Going to a BCS bowl. Of course, I would have liked to have played for a national title since it’s been a while, so-


Actually, you’ve never won a title.


Okay, thanks for that, but I’d like to-

 

 

And you’ve played more games than any other program in the country without winning a national title.

 


Quite an accomplishment.

 

Hey, you had your shot, Mr. Second-Ranked-In-The-Nation-And-Couldn’t-Get-It-Done.

 

 


Ummm…

 

 

SHUT UP! Fine, Bearcat, pull yourself away from licking Brian Kelly's toes for a second. Congrats on your first season in the Big East.

 

 

It’s not-

 

 

Just be happy he even knows your in the conference.

 

 


Fine. Well, we went 9-3, almost won the Big East title and we’ll be playing in a great bowl game due to our success.

 

Gator Bowl?

 

Well, no.

 

 


Liberty Bowl? That’s a fun one.

 

No…

 

 

Yummy Bowl!!!

 

 

That’s not an actual bowl..

 

 


My liege, surely they rewarded you with a trip to the tournament of champions to be held at the Cotton Bowl.

 

 


No, I’ll be at the, um, PapaJohns.com Bowl, so…um, if you’re in the area, swing by. It’s in Birmingham…lovely this time of year.

 

 

Are the Fire still playing? Maybe I can go see a two-fer.

 

 

You mean the World League football team? The team from the league that stopped playing in the US in 1994?

 

 

Yeah.

 

 


No. The team from the league that no longer exists is not still in Birmingham.

 

 


Damn!

 

 


Enough already. My turn. Okay, well we’re 9-3 as well. Nationally-ranked. And we’ll be playing in the Sun Bowl, which sounds a whole helluva lot better than the Little Caesers Bowl.

 

PapaJohns.com!


Who the fuck cares.org?

 

Sweeties, please…no fighting.

 

Listen to twinkle-toes over here.

 

 


Did you mean moi? I’m Twinkle-toes? The one who beat you 22-15 and made your little golden boy into my personal boy toy?

 


(To Bull) You sir, have been provided with adequate service.



What?

 

 

I think he’s saying you got served.

 



It’s 2007, Knight. Get with it.

 

 

 


Tis not! It is 2006! We are nationally-ranked! We have defeated Louisville on national television! The entire country loves us!

 

 


Shhhh…it’s okay…they’ll take care of you in Toronto.

 

 


What is it foul kingdom you speak of? I wish not to go there.

 

 

 

Wanna trade?

 



…no.

 

 


Dammit!

 

 

 

Cardinal, you’re pretty quiet over there, how bout you?


What? Oh, I’m with the Knight. Nothing happened this year.




Thank God Brian Brohm wasn’t still around to see it, huh?

 

 

Oh my poor Brian…my sweet sweet Brian...



Heeheehee…

 

 

Otto, I don’t even want to hear it.



It’s all I’ve got, so...teeheehee…

 

 

Well I just wanted to talk about one thing-



Panther, don’t even think about it.

 

 


No, no, not that. I have a new video up on YouTube and I just thought you guys might want to check it out. Give me some feedback, you know…

 

 


Okay, what’s it called?



(typing on computer) 2 Panthers 1 Tail. Here you go…



(Everyone huddles around computer screen)


Seems okay so far.

 

 


Who’s that other panther? He seems nice.

 


Wait, what’s he doing with OH NO!

 

 

 


WHAT THE FUCK???

 

 

(Bearcat vomits on self)


Mine eyes are bewitched!

 

 


Turn it off! Turn it off!

 

 


What, you guys have never heard of tail-play?

 

 

 

 

Yucky!

 


Make it stop….PLEASE.

 

 


Is this what you do with your spare time?



If the money’s right.

 

 


I had no idea you were into that…call me sometime.

 


And on that note, season adjourned. Go win your bowl games or else Colin Cowherd will talk about how we’re not "big boys."

 


Isn’t he going to say that anyway?

 

 

Good point.



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