Okay, now that we’ve learn a little bit…too much…about each other, I’d like to go around the room and see what everyone has to say about their teams in the upcoming season.

Rah Rah Shish Koom Bah!

Okay, I’ll start by saying that we’re coming off our first Big East championship and returning quarterback and Heisman hopeful Brian Brohm. Things are tempered by the loss of RB Michael Bush and the arrival of new coach Steve Kragthorpe.

Kragthorpe? Sounds like a bad guy from Conan The Barbarian.

Kneel before the mighty Kragthorpe!

Guys, he’s an accomplished coach from the University of Tulsa.

Excuse my imprudence but is that a Division III school or something?

No! They play D-1 like the rest of us!

Really?

Oh, okay, nevermind.

What?

I was going to add them to our out-of-conference schedule...but if they’re Division 1-A…forget it.

What’s going on with you guys anyway?

The kingdom of Rutgers football has seen great advances in activity. We fully expect the weight of expectations that last season’s performance created to come crumbling down upon us in a spectacularly miserable way so that, with the Sopranos over and the Nets sucking again, the good people of New Jersey can go back to not having any kind of identity.

Mountaineer, you’re up.

We kick ass.

Can you be a little more specific.

Whuddya want to know? Pat White. Steve Slaton. Rich Rodriguez. Keep the Big East championship warm for me.

A little cocky, no? How can you be so certain?

Cause I know all of you.

coughcough24-19coughcough.

I heard that, asshole. We’ll see how that goes this year, trendy-boy.

Bull, while you’re at it, why don’t you explain to everyone why you’re the "it" boy in the conference.

Tell me what to do one more time Cardinal and I’ll shove that beak so far up your ass, you’ll have to ingest Rick Pitino so you can keep kissing his ass.

I…

What does that even mean?

Means we went 9-4 last year, Matt Grothe is about to be player of the year in the conference, we’re gonna whoop up on Auburn and we’re going to quietly win the Big East after Johnny Appleseed and PitinoLover69 over here beat each other up.

Oh.

Bearcat?

Did you know we went 8-5 last year?

Honestly, I don’t even remember you being in the conference. Did we play you?

Um, yeah…you beat us 42-24.

Sweet.

Well we’ve got a new coach too but we’re hoping to improve on our finish last year and do even better than the International Bowl.

The what bowl?

International.

Did you get together with you friends and play a game in your backyard and call it a bowl? Cause there’s no such thing.

Yes there is!

Oh yeah? Where is it played?

Toronto, Canada.

Sure it is. Who did you play?

Western Michigan.

Aha! No such school!

Fine. Who did you play in your bowl game last year?

………fuck you.

Panther, what do you have to say about Dave Wannstedt and the team?

Well Tyler Palko is gone, so-

It’s about time! That guy was there for like nine years.

Anyway…we’ve got a fairly easy schedule but we do play West Virginia and Louisville on the road. We expect to win 7-8 games this year.

Say it…

Say what?

You know what…

(sighs) and we have the Wannstache on our side.

Yesssss!!!

Is it my turn?

It is now.

Goody!!!

So?

Well…Coach Calhoun has put together another splendid group of strapping men-

Husky, we’re not talking about men’s basketball.

Oh, sorry…well, Coach Auriemma has put together another splendid group of-

Husky, we’re not talking about women’s basketball either. We’re talking about football.

You’re talking about what-now?

Nevermind! Otto?

Gingerbread!!!

Otto, please, make my day and tell me something coherent about your football team.

Well, Cardinal, since you asked so politely, I will share with you only what I know. The team is at a crossroads. Untested quarterback Andrew Robinson will have to prove himself to be the team’s leader and he will have to do so with the loss of our top running back, Delone Carter. The team quietly improved in some areas last season but the offense needs to make great stride this season if the team hopes to make it to a bowl. Early season games against Washington and Illinois will set the tone for the season and help determine if this is another 4-8 season or possibly a chance to get a winning record. Who knows, perhaps we’ll even have the chance to play in, what did Bearcat call it….ah yes, the International Bowl. Were that a real game, of course.

Hahahaha….blow me.

Um…thanks…Otto. That was very insightful.

Kitten breathe and daffodils! Tee hee hee!

Right. Okay, we’ll I think this year’s meeting of the Octonion has served its purpose.

What purpose was that?

Well, it…you know, I don’t know.

Good times.

Good luck to everyone this coming season!

Kibbles and bits!!!